(4 of 5)
Still, even those who assist in such placements advise that would-be parents need to answer key questions. "How committed is one to making a child feel a part of a racial community as well as the family?" asks Gail Steinberg, co-director of Pact, a group that handles transracial adoptions. "Instead of looking with goo-goo eyes at an adorable child, prospective parents must raise their decision to an adult level."
It's wise, say experts, to review the decision with a transracial-adoption specialist or to get hold of information like Pact's "Insider's Guide to Transracial Adoption," which tracks the stages of interracial adoption and explains how racial identity differs over time and between races. The 420-page manual poses some self-probing questions: Are you the retiring type, or do you naturally like to stand out? Do you need groups, or are you fine with independence? If your "hard wire" traits lean toward the demure, then family life in a constant spotlight may not be a good idea.
Even if your heart is in the right place, there are practical hurdles to overcome. "Love is not enough," says Simon. "A child needs a sense of cultural identity and racial history." Which church to join, what mall to shop in, which dentist to frequent are choices to be examined through a new perspective. And they are especially important to children from disadvantaged minority backgrounds. "You must surround them with people who look like them so they know they are as good as they can be and know what they can do," says Felder.
Another helpful step for parents of foreign-born children is to include the customs, language and history of their birth land as part of the family tradition. While Katz waited to be allowed to take Lena home, she toured the girl's native village and took pictures to show her later. Families might also plan a trip to the child's birth country--or take advantage of summer camps sprouting up for multiracial families, at which kids are given the chance to learn more about their culture and experience life as a majority. "It's a very emotional experience," says Gail Walton, director of one such camp, Hands Around the World, in Wheeling, Ill.
Just as important as helping a child with his uniqueness is affirming his current family ties. Unlike biological families, in which a child can see resemblances and grasp a genealogical connection, families formed by adoption have to take special steps to make a child feel secure. This can range from reaching out to religious leaders and extended family in order to help reaffirm the adopted child's inclusion, to keeping a watchful eye out for unhelpful, if well-intended, teasing ("My little Mexican one"). Lyn and Arthur Dobrin of Westbury, N.Y., adopted an African-American child, Kori, as a sibling to their biological son Eric. They devised a game they called Categories, in which Daddy and Eric were boys, Mommy and Kori were girls; Mommy and Daddy were adults, Eric and Kori were kids. The point was to show that there are many facets to each person--and that race is only one of them.