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In most cases screaming is the worst response, since it sends a message of anger and tension to the child. Calm, assured answers ("We're blessed to be an adoptive family," "My husband is Chinese") disarm loaded questions and offer examples of coping behavior. "I had to model appropriate behavior and give answers I hope my children would use," says Nancy G. Brown, co-founder of Multiracial Americans of Southern California and mother of Nicole and Rachelle, two biracial black-and-white girls. Her daughters, now teenagers, handle questions with aplomb and simple, swift replies.
Harder to handle than the public incidents are sticky situations among extended family and friends. Some cases are dire, like the grandparent who threatens to cease contact because of racial differences. But even the gray areas--family members who treat children differently or unwittingly make racist remarks--are tough. Limiting contact or forcing difficult conversations can be painful, but, says Faye Mandell, president of masc, "parents must say, 'Treat them equally--or not at all.'"
But there are also grace notes, as in how time and communication can resolve dicey situations. At first Kim Felder, a California family recruiter for adoptions with one biological child, encountered what she perceived as resistance from her parents to her intention to adopt transracially. She and her husband Carl decided to go ahead with the adoption and limit contact with Kim's parents. The following day, her parents explained that they were reacting to the prejudice they had faced as Italian immigrants--an experience they didn't want for their daughter. "They weren't prejudiced--they wanted to protect us," says Felder. "Now they're our biggest supporters." The Felders ultimately adopted four kids of varying African-American, Hispanic and white backgrounds.
Having a child of a different or blended race also has a habit of shaking up racial orientations. "I lost my white privilege; I began to experience reactions from people," says Jennifer Viets. That can be difficult if there are unresolved issues. Filippo Santoro, 34, an Italian American, is married to Trayce, 36, an African American. But he grew up hearing blacks referred to in derogatory terms. Even now, he admits, "Trayce still says I'm a racist." These feelings make both parents more conscientious in the raising of biracial Philip, 2, and Lena, six months. "You find yourself," he says of his evolving handling of the race issue. Indeed, the experience of being part of a multiracial family invariably heightens awareness of racism and often inspires parents to take action. Katz, for example, has written two children's books, Over the Moon, on adoption, and The Colors of Us, on skin hues.
DRAWING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES