Having a baby? Buy a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting. Kids getting a little older? It's probably time for a book by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. As each of life's passages sweeps into their lives, parents typically reach for the bookstore shelf as a source of advice--except, perhaps, when a death occurs in the family.
Too bad. The fact is, there's much help to be found on bookstore shelves these days. This fall there are three new books being published specifically to help children cope with a loss in the family. That can mean the death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or even a pet. If there is one common thread in the messages of these books, it is to stay in close touch with your kids. As tricky as that may be, this is the time that they need you the most.
TALK, TALK, TALK Forget about talk being cheap. Helen Fitzgerald, the author of The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends (Fireside), believes talk is golden for an adolescent who has suffered a loss. "Talk, talk, talk," Fitzgerald advises teens. "Talk it out of your system. Find people you can talk to about what has happened. Be together. Don't isolate yourself from the love and caring of family and friends." Fitzgerald writes from experience. Her first husband died suddenly, leaving her with four children, two of them teens. She went on to become a pioneer in setting up grief programs and an author and a lecturer on grief and loss.
No topic is too frightening or difficult for Fitzgerald. She demystifies hospitals and funerals--and even tackles such sensitive questions as, What does a dead body look like? Fitzgerald has a warm, soothing tone and writes to adolescents directly and with no condescension. She is a great believer in teen-grief support groups: if one doesn't exist, start one. Her advice is practical: "If it is more than you can bear to think about right now, that's O.K. Read a book. Take a walk. Surf the Internet. Play basketball. Go to the movies. Paint a picture. Write a poem." Or spend a few hours with Fitzgerald's fine book.
DEATH EDUCATION Honesty is the best policy with grieving children, say Mary Ann and James Emswiler, the authors of Guiding Your Child Through Grief (Bantam). "Death education should be like sex education," they say. "Of course, you'll want to make sure your child understands what dead means (that the body doesn't work anymore--no feeling, no seeing, no breathing) before you explain subjects like cremation or embalming."