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— Some YEWESSERS dwell in apartments, where they live on either side of a flimsy medicine cabinet. All others live in white split-level houses. The males are cranky in the morning and astonished when the coffee is not bitter or the breakfast is palatable. Then they beam and demand to know the name of the product, which they repeat nine times. The wives then proceed to their day, which consists of eight hours of unmitigated jealousy and fear. The jealousy is exhibited at wash time. During this period they stare enviously at their neighbor's laundry, which is always whiter—and the colored things brighter—than their own. With wide eyes, they then proceed to learn a series of mysterious monosyllables, among them Biz, Fab, Cheer, Dash, All and Bold. They do not exhibit fear until nightfall, or on weekend afternoons. At these points the MOTHER-IN-LAW arrives for a white-glove inspection of the home. This includes a revealing scrutiny of the kitchen (with its telltale odors), the male's collar (with its inevitable ring) and the salad (too vinegary). On the next visit, 3.8 seconds later, all is perfection, thanks to the intervention of a remarkable product that scents the air, sanitizes the collar, emulsifies the dressing, rearranges the background music and restyles everyone's hair.
— Children are encouraged to visit their father's place of business. There they interrupt proceedings with a ritual cry: "Only one cavity!" Children may also be seen in the early morning, when they ingest the seven essential vitamins every child needs for perfect health. Toward evening they grow pale and cough until a powerful potion brings speedy relief.
> YEWESSERS each chew 180 Ibs. of gum a year. This was deduced from the size of the gum package (roughly 3 ft. in length).
-> All YEWESS pets are fussy but highly literate eaters who meticulously examine the labels of their canned food before dining.
— YEWESSERS sing while eating and drinking. The song is usually an apostrophe to hamburger or a dithyramb dedicated to cola, uncola or the beverage the citizens are forbidden to quaff on-camera: beer.
-After the singing and eating, the YEWESSERS are remorseful and repair to salons, where they shed unsightly pounds and inches with the aid of wonder-working machines.
— An elaborate etiquette prevails at supermarkets. Consumers are encouraged to squeeze the white bread and forbidden to squeeze toilet tissue. They are also urged to look for chickens by name, beef by price and coffee by reputation.
— All waitresses, dishwashers and plumbers supplement their incomes by peddling products to customers. These products range from paper towels to soaps, and are invariably superior to the leading brand.
— The YEWESS is really two nations. Citizens of one prefer the Pink Pad; citizens of the other buy the Blue one.
-The automobile is the greatest friend nature ever had. Cars are affectionately named for animals (cougar, mustang, falcon, impala); gasolines keep engines clean; and there are seldom more than three vehicles on the road at any time.