TO: ZB * 33 + X
FROM: 45 = K29-¼
RE: EXPLORATION OF MINOR PLANET
WE had intended to observe this little ball "RTH" for a longer period. But we developed engine trouble over Omega, and by the time we entered orbit, we were only getting six light-years to the gallon. In our brief visit, however, we discovered what generates those high-frequency signals that have been jamming our radio telescopes. It is a small box called TEEVEE, present in nearly every dwelling in the YEWESS, a small land area between two oceans.
TEEVEE is the display window of the national store. Its merchandise, like all valuable goods, is displayed against a plush but vapid background. This background is called PROGRAMMING and is of no importance. The key elements of the broadcast day (and night) are called SPOTZ. These SPOTZ are 30 seconds to 60 seconds long and cost their manufacturers about $500 per second. Programs, by contrast, cost $50 per second.
From observing SPOTZ we are able to report the following conclusions:
— The YEWESS is a vastly troubled land, emerging from a complex, ambiguous struggle against an implacable foe. The name of this enemy is WETNESS. New scientific weapons, however, go on like a powder and give unprecedented protection. Thus, for the first time in this soul-searing conflict, there is the fragile promise of peace.
-To amuse themselves YEWESSERS also sing and dance. To this end, the SPOTZ, which are also called commercials, sell them an entertainment called NOSTALJYA. According to the announcements, the top numbers for 1973 include The Hut-Sut Song, Moonlight Serenade and The Woodpecker Song. The year's most highly regarded artists are the Andrews Sisters and Snooky Lanson, singers; Sammy Kaye and Glenn Miller, bandleaders; and Woody Woodpecker, a bird.
— These ingenious people are bothered by many plagues. When the distress appears, the person moves in ten quick, jerky motions and booms: "No headache is going to make me yell at my son [or daughter]." Thereupon the victim takes a miraculous white tablet, which dissolves in the stomach faster than another tablet. Just 3.1 seconds later, this incredible pill enables the victim to change his outlook and handle the most difficult household chores with ease. Other tablets simultaneously drain all eight sinus cavities, rearrange the background music and style the hair in 3.2 seconds.
— If pain persists or recurs, YEWESSERS always see a physician.
> YEWESSERS are of various hues, but mix freely with no trouble whatsoever. In every SPOT involving the young, there is a ratio of 1.5 black children to 4.9 white ones. Their smiles are constant and blinding. At adult cocktail parties, the commercial ratio is 2.2 black couples to 6.8 white. They smile with equal candlepower.