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The experiences of former priests interviewed by TIME bear Schallert out. PAUL HILSDALE, 47, is a sociologist and former Jesuit who now conducts "awareness workshops" with his anthropologist wife in Los Angeles. "I left the priest hood," he recalls, "because I wanted to grow into a person who was ever more responsible and ever more loving. The church and the Jesuit structures were narrowing areas in which I could express my love." He resented the fact that when he said Mass, "people thought I was doing some kind of magic." After taking a leave from Loyola University of Los Angeles to spend a year at Esalen, Hilsdale says, "I found my value. At least I knew that if I was a sinner, I was a valuable sinner." Hilsdale goes to Mass occasionally, but feels that "Christianity is just one of many symbol systems that point to man's dependence on God." As for Catholicism, he adds: "There are times when I think the church may have a death wish." FRANK MATTHEWS, 47, formerly a St. Louis priest heading archdiocesan radio and TV projects, serves as director of recruitment for VISTA. "I had reached the threshold of frustration," he says of his own departure in 1967. "I couldn't accept the church's position on birth control and celibacy, or its slow implementation of consensus theology. I was disturbed by the lack of ability on the part of the church to criticize itself. I am sure that my wife Ellen [his former secretary] had a lot to do with it. In one way, I can say that I simply fell in love, but she was also the catalyst that made me see my other problems in perspective." Matthews believes that "success in a job is very important to any man, but to a man leaving the priesthood it's crucial." He feels that some men should "never leave the priesthood because they need the structure." As for himself, he explains with candor: "I often wonder why I have no regrets about the priesthood, especially since I was a happy priest. In fact, I only regret that I didn't have this experience —that I didn't move on years earlier." HERMAN HUDEPOHL, 35, spent two years as a Maryknoll missionary in Peru. He is now an insurance and mutual-fund salesman. "Believe it or not," he says, "I think I can do as much for people in this type of work as I was doing in the priesthood. In Peru, we were running around blessing houses that had been struck by lightning and making sick calls. We had fiesta Masses coming out of our ears. My God, what they needed was doctors, medicine, technical help. We weren't helping. We were giving them a piece of bread." Hudepohl thinks that the sheer numbers of religious in exodus may change Catholicism; his wife Nancy, who was a Dominican nun for ten years, is more pessimistic: "The church has nothing to say to people."