U.S. media coverage of the continued Tiger Woods saga isn't lacking for much. Lurid rumors? Check. Round-the-clock coverage? You bet. Haughty condemnations? Duh. But there's one thing that Taiwan's media has that we can't match: an animated re-enactment of fight and the accident that started it all. Since Dec. 2, the unintentionally hilarious video from the website of a Taiwan tabloid, Apple Daily, has circulated worldwide.
The clip opens with some fairly straightforward footage of Woods' driveway, presumably shot from a news helicopter. But then things jump into three badly animated dimensions: a 3-D cop is shocked — shocked! — to hear of Tiger's accident and rushes to the scene only to find a inconsolable Barbie-like Elin Nordegren, crouched over her husband's unconscious body. But wait! After a shaky dissolve, the story changes. In the retelling, Nordegren has found out about Woods' alleged infidelities; animated, massively conjectural craziness ensues.
TIME Beijing correspondent Austin Ramzy has provided a rough translation of the voiceover from the video's pivotal climax, starting around the moment when 3-D Elin slaps 3-D Tiger across the face and then chases after his car like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2:
"There's lots of questionable points about Wood's wife's deposition, especially because the air bag on Woods car didn't inflate but his face was covered with bruises. Recently Woods has been involved in a sex scandal with "New York party queen" Rachel Uchitel. It's rumored that Woods and his wife got into a fight over the matter that day. His wife scratched his face. He drove off in a hurry and his wife pursued him, hitting the car with a golf club. Woods turned around to look, lost concentration and the accident happened."
With reporting by Austin Ramzy.