There is a magical moment in the latter half of life when adults have a chance to reinvent themselves. They take on new names: Nana, Grandma, Bubbeh, Poppy, Grandpa, Zayde. They cast themselves in new roles: caregiver, mentor, pal, pamperer. They are filled with powerful new emotions that make them feel alive and vital. They become grandparents.
"Every time a child is born, a grandparent is born too," says grandparenting guru and retired child psychiatrist Arthur Kornhaber. The bond between grandchild and grandparent is second only to the attachment between parent and child. Kornhaber calls it "clear love" because it has no strings attached. "There's always some conditional element to parents' love. Grandparents are just glad to have you, and the child can feel that."
That love may be the emotional equivalent of superglue, but it needs points of contact in order to stick. And today, like other family institutions, grandparenthood is being buffeted by the sea changes of the late 20th century. Working against the free exchange of love are high divorce and remarriage rates, job stresses of dual-career parents (and grandparents), a global economy that puts vast distances between family members and a pervasive bias against age spawned by the American obsession with youthfulness.
These impediments, however, are counterbalanced by innovations in travel, telecommunications, social understanding, health and life expectancy. Savvy parents and grandparents are harnessing these to strengthen intergenerational ties. "We have to reinvent ourselves as we go along, but we have more time to get it right," says Lillian Carson, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, Calif.
There's an old joke that grandparents and grandchildren are natural allies because they share a common enemy. If parents are the enemy, they must be won over, for they are the gatekeepers who regulate grandparents' access to their grandchildren. According to researchers, the better the relationship between parent and grandparent, the greater the contact and closeness between grandparent and grandchild. "It's up to the parents to make the grandparents feel welcome and to send the message to their children that they're really integral," says Sally Newman, executive director of Generations Together at the University of Pittsburgh. "The parents should encourage frequent visits and not make the grandparents feel intrusive." And spending time together is essential, says Yaffa Schlesinger, who teaches sociology of the family at New York City's Hunter College. "If relationships are to be meaningful, they have to be deep in time. You cannot be friends with someone you met yesterday."
For parents hard-pressed by the multiple demands of careers and child rearing, arranging visits and maintaining communication between grandparents and grandchildren can be an additional chore. Why bother? There are selfish reasons. "Marriages flourish with helpful grandparents. Helping with kids--giving parents and children a break from routines--is one of the greatest gifts grandparents can give," says Kornhaber.