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Most men, of course, do not rape or batter or kill. But that doesn't mean, as too many of them seem to think, that they have nothing to do with violence against women. Each of us in our daily lives helps shape the cultural images and assumptions that define the limits of the permissible. In the case of racial bigotry, we see this clearly: civilized whites don't tell racist jokes or defend the virulent gabfests on talk radio as harmless spleen venting. Where violence and misogyny are concerned, though, men just don't seem to get it. Give up skin magazines, bimbo jokes, woman-bashing rock and rap? Join women on a march against domestic violence? Get real.
I'm not talking about resurrecting chivalry, as conservatives claim to want, or about government censorship, which liberals rightly fear. I'm talking about men engaging in some serious self-scrutiny, challenging their prejudices and privileges, taking their fair share of responsibility for the mess we are in. Men should ask themselves why they like what they like, and what messages those preferences send to men, and women, and children. When Christopher Hitchens, for example, writes in his Nation column that he finds 2 Live Crew very funny, what is he saying about his capacity for empathy? Maybe if he knew why he laughed, the songs wouldn't sound so funny.
The fact is, to call sexual violence a "women's issue" is a serious misnomer. Women can't fix it on their own and shouldn't be expected to. Society doesn't expect Jews to stop anti-Semitism, or blacks to stop racism, or children to end child abuse. Until we demand that men do their share, we will always be going around in circles: safety vs. freedom, daring vs. fear.
My mother opted for safety and passed her choice on to me; you won't find me jogging in Central Park at night. I want something better for my daughter. I want fathers to raise boys to respect women as equals and keep their fists to themselves. Some cherished male folkways may have to go -- the cult of hyperviolent heroes like Rambo, for example. Too bad. I want men to confront their own aggression, the pleasure they take in its depiction and the excuses they make for its enactment -- that no really means yes, that wives need to know who's boss, that "bad" girls are fair game. I want them to tell their tiny sons what I tell my daughter: Georgie Porgie isn't cute. He's mean.