(2 of 2)
Unlike capitalist versions of the game, lapta prohibits base stealing, since the bases belong to all the people and are not to be appropriated for individual use. Sacrifices, on the other hand, are encouraged and often occur even with no runners on base. Instead of left-, center- and rightfielders, the lapta outfield features two leftfielders followed around by a fleet fellow traveler, or occasionally a British free agent eager to play ball with the Russians.
Over the centuries, lapta has developed many colorful customs and expressions. For instance, a peasant with only one lapta in hand but with two cossacks bearing down on him was said to be facing a "fielder's choice." Third base has been known as the "hot corner" since the Minsk-Pinsk World Series of 1937, when a Pinsk third-base coach, who happened to double as a political-education instructor, peppered the Minsk third baseman with probing theoretical questions. Tragically, this led to the only fatality in big-time lapta. During the seventh game of the series, after uttering the ill-advised suggestion "Stick it in your ear, Comrade Coach," the luckless Minsk third baseman was dragged from the Cosmodome by large men in bulky suits, executed and later brought to trial.
Diehard lapta fans deeply resented President Reagan's recent remark about lapta's "evil umpires." In truth, umpires are so revered in the Soviet Union that players often call out, "Honor to the umpires!" and managers run out of the dugout to congratulate the men in black on successfully making difficult calls. This is because the umpires are scrupulously fair and usually have close relatives on the party's Central Committee.
They are also famous for appreciating a good joke. One was told by the famous star Lefty ("Babe") Jabov, who once hit 62 homers in a year, more than Ruth or Maris or other inferior Americans weakened by decades of debilitating capitalist exploitation of the toiling masses. After a called third strike, the fun-loving slugger turned to the beloved umpire and quipped, "But, comrade, Marx said that when workers controlled the means of production, there would be no more strikes!" The joke was considered so funny that Jabov was not jailed at all but merely sent down to the Siberian League for attitudinal readjustment.
As it happens, the slugger's younger brother Karim Jabov is a famous Soviet sports figure in his own right. Shortly after the Russian invention of soccer, the gangly Karim picked up a soccer ball and playfully thrust it back over his head into a potato basket hanging from the rafter of a people's barn. He thus simultaneously invented both the in-your-face reverse slam dunk and the entire game of basketball. Watch for the complete story in Izvestia.