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Sharing the family home requires adjustments for all. There are the hassles over bathrooms, telephones and privacy. Some families, however, manage the delicate balancing act. At 34, Esther Rodriguez dreaded returning to her parents' Denver home after three years of law school forced her $20,000 into debt. "I thought it was going to be a restriction on my independence," she recalls. Instead, she was touched when her father installed a desk and phone in the basement so she would have a private study. The Sanchez family too has made a success of the arrangement. Says Lucy Sanchez: "Family is family, and we believe and act on that." But for others, the setup proves too difficult. Michelle Del Turco, 24, of Englewood, Colo., a Denver suburb, has been home three times -- and left three times. "What I considered a social drink, my dad considered an alcohol problem," she explains. "He never liked anyone I dated, so I either had to sneak around or meet them at friends' houses."
Just how long should adult children live with their parents before moving on? Lucille Carlini of Brooklyn returned home with her two daughters after a divorce. That was almost twelve years ago. She is now 37 and her daughters 18 and 16. They still live with Carlini's mother Edie, who has welcomed having three generations in the same house. Still, most psychologists feel lengthy homecomings are a mistake. Offspring, struggling to establish separate identities, can wind up with "a sense of inadequacy, defeat and failure," says Kristine Kratz, a counselor with the Personal Development Institute in Los Angeles. And aging parents, who should be enjoying some financial and personal freedom, find themselves bogged down with responsibilities. Says Debra Umberson, a researcher at the University of Michigan: "Living with children of any age involves compromise and obligation, factors that can be detrimental to some aspects of well-being. All children, even adult children, require accommodation and create stress."
Brief visits, however, can work beneficially. Five years ago, Ellen Rancilio returned to the Detroit area to live with her father after her marriage broke up. She only stayed seven months, but "it made us much closer," she says. Indeed, the experience was so positive that she would not hesitate to put out the welcome mat when her own three sons are grown. Declares she: "If they needed help like I did, yes."