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Highly motivated, the children of immigrants frequently feel guilty and disgraced when they do not excel at their studies. Le Giau expressed pride but Daughter Jennifer was ashamed when she came in second in a spelling contest. Son Nguyen, who plans to study engineering and then become a doctor, is still concerned that he has been infected by slack U.S. student habits. Reason: instead of straight A's, he pulled a few B's in his senior year in high school.
Immigrant parents, however insistent, are not always successful in excluding distracting American influences. Le Vinh's jet black hair is cut in a moderate punk style, and he sports fashionable, wide-shouldered jackets, to his father's distress. "He would have me in the preppie look," says Vinh with disdain. Retorts Le Giau: "When I went to school we wore uniforms." Imelda Ortiz finds herself in a tug-of-war with her mother over American teens' signature apparel: tight jeans. "My mom says I look like a Solid Gold dancer and makes me take them off," complains Imelda. "She looks at the way some Anglo girls dress and says they don't have dominio propio (self- control)."
The big problem, though, is dating. "I keep telling my mom that it is not bad to date and that she should trust me," says Imelda, "but a boy can't even come over to my house to talk to me. Not even outside on the steps. My mother says, 'It looks bad, no respect to the house.' " Many boys also find themselves on a short tether. Asked about dating, Vinh tosses two wallet-size photos of girls onto the table. A disapproving stare from his father and Vinh promptly jams them into his pocket. "He's the one I worry about," says Le Giau. "Girls call him a lot. I have to cut off the phone. He doesn't have time for girls. He has to study."
Once the critical faculties of the children are sharpened by schooling and broader cultural exposure, however, the gap between them and their parents usually widens. That separation is the natural consequence of what Norman Podhoretz, editor of Commentary, calls "the brutal bargain." As Podhoretz, the son of Jews from Galicia, explains, "The more you succeed in the wider world, the more estranged you become from your parents' mores and values. The paradox is you betray your parents by obeying them."
The unusual closeness of immigrant families makes this struggle for autonomy painful to both sides. High School Junior Imelda Ortiz plans to study engineering in college. Her parents expect her to attend the University of Houston while living at home, a pattern set by her two sisters. But Imelda wants to enroll in the University of Texas at Austin. "I'm afraid to go out on my own," she admits, "but even though it may turn out bad, at least I'll learn, right? I'll realize what is or is not for me." Le Giau and his wife Therese expect their children to live at home until they wed and hope to arrange marriages for their daughters after they finish college. But the girls are already balking. Says Jennifer: "If the decision is up to them, they'd choose a smart man in business. I want a nice, funny man who will not always worry about his work."