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A. For the same reason, basically, that you step on cockroaches. Geraldo is so self-righteous. If he would just say, "You know what? We're going to have a neat show today, and maybe you'll get to see a woman's breasts." But instead, he says, "We're going to talk about this cult that stabbed the kids and cut the kids' noses off, and you'll get to actually see a picture of it. It will be really neat." Geraldo has that certain je ne sais quoi. For want of a better word, I would call him a jerk.
Q. Tell me about your first writing job.
A. I worked for a little newspaper in West Chester, Pa., called the Daily Local News. And it was just like what you would think the Daily Local News would be. I covered endless hearings. Our favorite verb was air. ZONERS AIR PLAN. HEARING AIRS ZONING. It was classic small-town journalism, and I really loved that job. Then I went to the Associated Press in Philadelphia, and I really, really hated it. Fortunately, I got another job, and I spent the next eight years teaching effective-writing seminars to business people.
I'd lecture a bunch of chemists or engineers about the importance of not saying "It would be appreciated if you would contact the undersigned by telephone at your earliest possible convenience," and instead saying "Please call me as soon as you can," which was revealed wisdom to these people.
Q. How did this lead to your writing a humor column?
A. I had a lot of time on my hands, so I asked the editor at the Daily Local News, "Why don't I write a column for you?" I started the column for $22 a week. It was usually very misleading, inaccurate and often quite offensive and irresponsible. Then the Miami Herald offered me a job.
Q. Why is Miami funny?
A. It's just a bizarre mixture of cultures. There are evidently cultures where it is considered basically good etiquette to keep your left-turn signal on at all times. Then there are people who feel it's important to buy the largest possible car, the kind you can land aircraft on top of with no problem, and they drive them incredibly slowly. At the same time, there are people who cannot imagine going less than 70 m.p.h., including in their driveways. Then the politics here is amazing. I mean, we have rallies here for the right to sacrifice chickens.
Q. What subject draws the most mail?
A. Any time I write about dogs. People just love dogs. A lot of people liked my piece Can New York Save Itself?
Q. That was cited by the Pulitzer committee. Some folks thought it was particularly nasty. I quote: "Times Square . . . is best known as the site where many thousands of people gather each New Year's Eve for a joyous and festive night of public urination . . . It also serves as an important cultural center where patrons may view films such as Sex Aliens, Wet Adulteress, and, of course, Sperm Busters." It seems that you try to be as provocative and as offensive as possible. Doesn't your editor object?
A. My editor, Gene Weingarten, is actually probably less tasteful than I am, if such a thing is possible. He will edit me for humor, but virtually never for taste.
Q. Have you ever been sued for libel?
A. I've certainly been threatened enough times. I once asked the Herald's lawyer, "How come I never get sued?" He said, "What makes you think you never get sued?"