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Once a father has obtained custody, whether by agreement or by court ruling, he faces lots of adjustments. If his work hours are a problem, he may have to find a new job. Most single fathers rely on female friends or parents to help; day care is often a must. Yet most appear to cope and find the sacrifices worthwhile. Says Brandeis University Sociologist Kristine Rosenthal: "It is very interesting to see what it does to a man to pay the kind of attention to children that women usually do." Her study of 130 single dads showed that they became "more people-oriented" and less concerned about work.
One endorsement comes from Sidney P. Harden of Columbus, Ga., a printer who works for a company producing Hallmark cards. Harden, 26, assumed custody of his son, now 3½, in September. Though he grumps that his new life "has not been very exciting," he concedes that he has "grown up a lot. I can take care of my son just like his mother could. Now I love my son twice as much." Such good feelings, Rosenthal says, are shared by many sole-custody fathers. One told her: "I actually made dinner for my kid, instead of taking him to McDonald's, and he really liked it!"
Some advocates of divorce-law change believe that only joint custody makes sense. Says Garry Brown, former head of Equal Rights for Fathers of New York State: "I don't care how inadequate a parent is, a kid is entitled to his two loving parents." Brown favors a system under which the child lives with one parent, while the other has unlimited visitation rights and a full voice in decisions involving the child's rearing. On Jan. 1, California became the fourth state (after Oregon, Iowa and Wisconsin) to adopt a statute specifically providing the option of joint custody. Although the other 46 states have not enacted such laws, they do permit parents to ask for joint custody.
While few lawyers quarrel with the goals of joint-custody advocates, many question the wisdom of this arrangement. "It's the easiest thing for a judge to decide," says Family Law Expert Henry S. Foster Jr., professor emeritus at New York University Law School. "He then abdicates his responsibility. The judge represents the conscience of the community; he should meticulously examine all the facts from the perspective of the child and then decide." Of course, such an arrangement can succeed only if the parents are able to work out details harmoniously, a hedge that can be tough for a warring couple to jump. If nothing else, an amicable joint-custody agreement usually costs less than a full-scale battle for sole custody; few lawyers blinked at the moment in Kramer when Dustin Hoffman was told that his legal bill would be at least $15,000.