A new book codifies the agony of romantic love
Dear Ralph,
Your four love letters arrived today. My landlady said a heavily sweating man stuffed them in the mailbox and lurched off like a wounded kiwi, so I assume you delivered them yourself. A million thanks, really.
All the letters make fine reading, but I was particularly struck by your complaint (letter 2, page 27) of a persistent heavy feeling in the chest that can only be relieved by sighing. Ralph, this is a clue. You are not just in love, you are limerent. This is a brand-new word made up by a University of Bridgeport psychologist, Dorothy Tennov, in her new book on romance, Love and Limerence. If you haven't guessed it already, limerence is the ultimate, near obsessional form of romantic love.
Now pay attention to this, Ralph. Here are the telltale signs of limerence: pressure in the chest (literally "heartache"), an acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, drastic mood swings, the growth of passion through adversity, and intrusive thinking about the LO, or "limerent object."
Tennov says the average limerent love affair lasts about two years. In the first wave of passion, the limerent thinks of the LO about 30% of the time, but in the second wave, which hits some months later, it can rise to 100%. The poor limerent is so hooked that nothing matters except the beloved, and feelings swoop between ecstasy and pain. This can be a drawback. You spend much of your time writing letters or diaries; you can't get your work done; all your friends decide you are a bore (mostly because you are). Limerence can strike at almost any age, and men seem to be just as susceptible as women. There's also an edge of violence in limerence. On the basis of an informal survey, Tennov estimates that 11% of limerents have attempted suicide when a love affair has gone badly.
Feminists, if they come down with it, have it worse than anyone else. This is because limerence depends on game playing, coyness, trial balloons and all sorts of other manipulations that the women's movement can't abide. And besides that, Tennov says, limerence tends to re-create the old me-Tarzan-you-Jane sex roles —once the game gets started, a perfectly sensible woman becomes dithery and feebleminded and every spidery little fellow starts pounding around like Mean Joe Greene. And heaven help the woman who takes her limerence problem to a shrink! Tennov thinks that limerence is as likely to break out in psychotherapy (me shrink, you supplicant) as almost anywhere else. This may be why you hear about so many shrinks limerencing their patients. On the other hand, you have to admit that Tennov doesn't much like shrinks. She's the author of Psychotherapy: The Hazardous Cure.