"My idea of a vacation is to rest quietly in the shade of a blond."
—Dick Powell
Come September, children return to school, grownups to work, and the brain to the head. Not that the brain actually leaves the head during the summer months; rather, something happens to it, or on it, like a moon caught in an eccentric orbit between the sun and, say, East Hampton or Bodega Bay. Astronomers know this event either as the "mental equinox" or "cranial eclipse." It is not serious, causes no permanent damage; the apparatus is simply altered while the body is on vacation. After Labor Day, when the body stands vertical again, the brain pops back into shape like an inflated cauliflower, proving its recovery by formulating the first white lie of the season: "Had a marvelous time. Marvelous." Oh, that brain. What a kidder.
In fact, of course, no one even remembers what sort of time one has on summer vacation, because the mind is not itself. All we ever have are the vaguest recollections, preserved for a brief time in their rich excitement before they fade like a tan:
Summer Talk "Are these local peaches?"
"These local peaches sure look good."
"What magnificent peaches!"
"They're much sweeter than last year's peaches."
"These peaches local?"
Summer Achievements
The discovery of any of the following items in Antiques 'n' Stuff: a carved ivory head of Samuel F.B. Morse; 20 matching miniature spoons; a slightly damaged print of all the U.S. Presidents up to 1900 as they might have looked strolling arm in arm; a weather vane in the shape of a wolf.
The discovery of any of the following items on the beach: a dead crab; a dead crayfish; a Fresca bottle; a rock of three colors.
Being asked to a cocktail party to honor Kurt Waldheim.
Overhearing someone tell about being asked to a cocktail party to honor Kurt Waldheim.
The day any of the following addressed you by name: Surf (the lifeguard), Hun (the policeman), Marvin (the village idiot), Red (of Red's Peach Stand).
Summer Entertainment
A Dalmatian scratching its back on the side of the road not far from Red's Peach Stand.
A cloud in the shape of a moose.
The noon siren.
Listening to Hun tell you about the day the noon siren went off at 11:30.
A summer theater production of Camelot, starring Bert Parks and Martina Navratilova; to be followed by Gary Coleman and Phil Rizzuto in Twelve Angry Men.
Now showing at Cinema 1: The Eye of the Nazi, with Donald Sutherland—adventures of the famous German spy known as "Der Nazi"; at Cinema 2: Arlene, with Bernadette Peters and Helen Hayes—zany alcoholic millionairess cavorts with foul-mouthed maid; at Cinema 3: Blow Dry ("Murder has a wave of its own")—hair stylist overhears plot to murder the memory of Alfred Hitchcock.
A high-speed fire-engine ride through town for the kids, with Marvin at the wheel.
Summer Ideas
To buy a backhoe (variously, Surfs black-and-yellow dune buggy, a brood mare, 50 uncleared mountaintop acres, a floor sander).
To quit one's job in the city, and be happy all the time.
To quit one's job in the city, open a peach stand, and be happy all the time.