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Take the circumstances of As the World Turns, the quintessential "coffee table" drama that is all talk. The tent-pole characters—good, decent people on whom a plot may safely be hung —are Chris Hughes, a lawyer, and his wife Nancy. They are a sixtyish couple living out their days in trauma. Their son, Dr.
Bob, is Job. The night he had an argument with ugly Norman Garrison, husband of Bob's second wife Sandy, Norman collapsed with a heart attack, and Bob's current wife Jennifer was killed in a car crash. Later, Norman also died. Meanwhile, Superbitch Lisa, Bob's first wife and once the most hated woman on TV, has a fourth husband, Grant Coleman, and has mellowed. Bob's son Tom is married to the scheming Natalie, whom he defended in court. Bob's sister-in-law, pretty Kim, is married to nasty Dr. John Dixon, who has spent years trying to stop her from running off with handsome Dr. Dan Stewart. Last summer a tornado helped him; it knocked Kim down, causing amnesia.
Now she cannot remember loving Dan.
Things are just as bad over at the Hortons in Days of Our Lives —but nipper. Venerable Dr. Tom Horton is presiding over four generations of chaos. His wife's religious faith is wavering.
His eldest son Dr. Tom Jr. has recovered from amnesia. His second son Mickey still has amnesia and is now called Marty Hanson. Dr. Tom Sr.'s granddaughter Julie has been married twice. Recently she fell downstairs, and the baby she was carrying died. Julie is really in love with her late mother's husband Doug Williams. She cannot marry him because she feels guilty. Doug has entered an artificial insemination program so that his child by Julie's mother may have a playmate. Unknown to him, his housekeeper has arranged to be the child's mother. Julie's son David is now living with a struggling black family, the Grants, and falling in love with Daughter Valery.
His abandoned girl friend Brooke tried to commit suicide. This month a couple who are indecisive about their sexual preferences will be introduced.
It appears that the facts of ordinary life must be abandoned when watching the soaps. There are more doctors than there are patients to treat. Amnesia is a plague. Neighbors are not friendly; they are sharks. Despite the melodrama, the surface proprieties are strictly observed; no one, for example, ever swears.
There are no formal meals in soaps—everyone eats snacks. The main job of the characters is to repeat the plot. Sometimes time stops. One woman spent 17 days in a revolving door having flashbacks. Christmas means tragedy, the time when the soaps' already high body count rises. Women are interchangeable blondes who shuttle between two roles: Mother Mary and Lilith. The strongest, in fact the only motivation is love, and the dynamic is fate. Moral principles are enunciated only when they are about to be discarded.
Despite the Pill and abortion, pregnancy still automatically tends to follow fornication. Pregnancy itself is an uncharted condition. One valiant mom expected for 18 months. Once they are born, children are as precocious as the zombies in Village of the Damned. Overnight they turn into voting-age monsters.
The most startling physical characteristic of a soap is its sound. Soaps keen. The plots jerk along in a series of moans.