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Like the Supreme Court, however, good parents draw a sharp line between free speech and illegal conduct. Author-Psychologist Haim G. Ginott, author of the currently much-discussed Between Parent and Child, argues that "most discipline problems consist of two parts: angry feelings and angry acts. Each part has to be handled differently. Feelings have to be identified and expressed; acts may have to be limited and redirected." How and when to set limits depends partly on the child's age. Nothing makes a small child more anxious than being asked if he "wants" to do this or that and then being given reasons as to why he should. Dr. Spock, sometimes accused of permissiveness, firmly advises, "Just do what's necessary." In short: time for bed, lights out, no chatter.
Limits certainly require reasons, but once clearly stated, they should be enforced without exception. Letting a child get away with something that he knows is wrong or dangerous makes him feel that his parents don't love him—and rightly so. Old-fashioned as it may seem, children still need discipline, guidelines—even the supra-self imperatives of religion. In Seattle, a permissive father's 14-year-old daughter who had been slipping out at night to date a paroled convict was straightened out only after a community-relations officer bluntly told her father that he had to show some stern authority. "The girl was screaming silently, 'Help me; make me stop this,' " said the officer. "What she wanted was security—a dad behind her. She wanted to go to bed with a Teddy bear, not an ex-convict."
The Disciple Family
"Discipline comes from being a disciple," says Psychoanalyst Bruno Bettelheim; both words come from the Latin word for pupil. Children become disciples of parents who enjoy and back up one another; whose mutual respect and ungrudging praise for work well done makes children draw a positive picture of themselves. But the approach must be genuine; the young mind is quick to spot the phony.
In disciple families, "no" is said as lovingly as "yes." The children learn to wait; the parents refuse to buy them this or that until they prov e themselves mature enough to use it wisely. Allowances are given not as a dole, but to train children in budgeting necessary expenses. Little girls are not pushed into premature dating; the parents couldn't care less that "everybody else does it." Girls are not given contraceptives because sex is not put in a bag; the girls first want to become women, and are secure enough not to have to prove themselves by sleeping around.
One way to help build a disciple family is to make sure that parents and children never stop doing meaningful things together. Family games, hikes, building projects and political debates—such activities underline adult skills that children then naturally want to have. Just because evening meals get tense is no reason to quit them; there is no better ritual for spotting and curing the tensions. A San Francisco family has no fear of the kids' trying drugs; everyone does volunteer work together at the narcotics-control center.