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Elsewhere in Greenwich Village, the cast at The Premise is telling its audiences that Goldwater's first major address as President will begin as follows: "Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . five . . . four . . ." To anyone who might wonder what life would be like under President Goldwater, the answer is: "Brief."
Comedians are not the only show-business volunteers on the satirical side of the campaign. The word is that Dean Martin has calmed the fears of Sammy Davis Jr. by telling him: "Don't worry, Sammy. If Goldwater wins, I'll buy you." And an outfit called Panic Productions has released an LP album called I'd Rather Be Far Right Than President, which imaginatively follows Goldwater to victory and into office, chronicling his first presidential moves, such as withdrawing recognition from Britain, India, Sweden, and Switzerland, kicking the man from the New York Times out of a press conference, warring on poverty with thermonuclear bombs, installing a nuclear warhead in every privately owned plane in the country, and talking with Khrushchev on his ham radio. Says Khrush: "How's by you, Goldbottle?"
Another LP album, called Folk Songs for Conservatives, was purportedly recorded at a "hatenanny" where groups like the Four Bigots and Noel X and His Unbleached Muslims sang such traditional folk material as Hang Earl Warren to a Sour Apple Tree.
Among conventional performers, Manhattan's Plaza 9 and the Chad Mitchell Trio have recorded an item called Barry's Boys:
Why, Dad once crusaded for Sacco-Vanzetti, Now all we're doing is doing the same for Jean Paul Getty . . . We're Barry's boys.
The real Barry's boys are obviously taking a lot of guff from all over, but at least they have not lost their own sense of humor. At Goldwater's national headquarters in Washington, the faithful are cheerfully prepared to supply on request any and all good jokes they have heard about their man. For example, they offer this one about the moment when Barry gets sworn in as President. "Repeat after me," says Chief Justice Warren: "I swear to protect this nation against its enemies, foreign and domestic, so help me God."
"I swear," repeats Barry, "to protect this nation against its enemies foreign and domestic, so help me God. You're under arrest, Warren."