(2 of 2)
If Ashley had a car, she'd be able to leave school for lunch instead of sitting in the library reading TIME. But when I pushed the idea of saving up for a used car, she said, "A car is a hassle. You have to feed it gas and maintain it. It's like getting yourself in a relationship." This undercut the next argument I was planning on making, which is that a car would help her get into a relationship.
After a while, I got frustrated with Ashley's excuses and said, "Don't you want your freedom?" To which she paused thoughtfully and said, "I guess I could go to Costco. Costco is a great place to hang out because there is free food and you can play hide-and-seek."
"No," I said, "I meant to get drunk and have sex."
"I guess you could do that at Costco," she said.
I told Ashley I was going to nag her every few days until she got that license and finally experienced the wild freedom of youth, eating microwaved mini hot dogs off toothpicks and purchasing bulk quantities of paper goods. After just a few Facebook messages, she relented. I had the deep, satisfying feeling of a man who throws just one starfish back in the ocean but knows that starfish is almost certainly going to get in an accident that sinks it with waves of debilitating debt.
Yes, I suppose there are worse things than nice, smart, risk-averse, parent-respecting kids like Ashley extending their adolescence. Such as zombies. But I still would rather have reckless teens on the road than kids who cower in fear of the nonvirtual world. Because as I get old and cranky, I'm going to need someone to yell at.