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Coping with a parent's remarriage requires acknowledging that traditions, boundaries and plans have changed. Certain situations may prove thornier than others. A woman whose father marries a much younger person may find herself competing with the new wife for his love and attention. Another who cherishes her role as a parent's caretaker or close confidant can resent being replaced by a spouse. Other adult children may grow concerned that they'll be shut out of decisions for their aging parent. "Some people feel excluded and abandoned," says Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family (Three Rivers Press). "They envisioned themselves caring for their aging parent, and find they're not needed anymore."
But some people welcome a new stepparent's assumption of responsibilities. For Jay Hill, 41, his mother Sunny's remarriage last summer was a relief and even an inspiration. After his father died in August 2000, Sunny, then 65, showed signs of closing down. "Suddenly, she was nervous to fly because she'd always flown with my dad," Hill recalls. But instead of retreating, Sunny began making romantic overtures to Maury, 68, her new neighbor in Kalamazoo, Mich. In contrast to Hill's father, who had been disabled for nearly a decade before his death, Maury was highly active. He and Sunny took up dancing, skiing and hiking. "I'm thrilled she's found someone who makes her happy," Hill says. "Here's someone who loved her partner for 43 years, and she took a chance to live for the future, not the past."
Under the best circumstances, a parent's remarriage can enrich the entire family. In 1986, a year after her mother's death, Joan Reckdahl's father remarried at age 74. His daughter was delighted with his new wife Agnes, then 67. "My father was a harsh, demanding man," Reckdahl says. "If he had needed support, it would have been difficult for us to take him in." Following the remarriage, her relationship with her father improved dramatically, a shift she credits to Agnes. When he died in 1994, his estate was divided among his four children, according to the terms of a prenuptial agreement, with Agnes allowed use of the family home. Today Reckdahl, 66, a retired teacher living in Grove City, Minn., is close to her father's widow, who lives nearby. "To me, she's like an aunt," Reckdahl says. "To our grown children, she's their adored Agnes. And to her step-great-grandchildren, she's Grandma."