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If told ahead of time, children can also reverse parents' decisions about the distribution of assets. As Bernie Walsh, 70, a retired insurance salesman in Tustin, Calif., sat in his lawyer's office with his wife Antoinette and three of his four children, he asked the children how they would feel if he left nothing to their sister (the one not present), with whom he had had a long-standing problem. The three siblings jumped to their sister's defense. "The four kids are all close to one another," says Antoinette, 64, "and they wanted their sister to have her fair share."
"Parents tend to forget that kids equate the equality of the inheritance with the equality of their parents' love," says psychologist Eileen Gallo, vice chair of the A.B.A. Committee on the Psychological and Emotional Issues of Estate Planning. "Parents may have good reasons for leaving unequal amounts--for example, a child who has given up a career in order to care for ill or aging parents might get more. But without discussing it with the children, parents are setting up the possibility for resentment."
The biggest family feuds, regardless of the size of the estate, are over personal property. "Many parents, in an effort to avoid conflict--or simply because it's so much work--take a 'Let them work it out after we're dead' approach," say Joanna Reiver, an estate attorney in Wilmington, Del. Since there's an emotional value to family belongings that supersedes money, that can be a serious mistake. Jerry Wolf, an attorney in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., recalls a case of his in which two siblings fought over their mother's jewelry. "The legal fees topped $70,000 for something that was worth less than half that amount," he says.
Researcher Marlene Stum, associate professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, has developed educational resources to help family members make more informed decisions about the transfer of nontitled property. Possible solutions include adding a page to the will that spells out who gets what or, on a more informal basis, letting kids tag things while parents are still alive. At the very least, parents should provide guidance. After hearing about a workshop based on Stum's research, Shirley Stelter, 68, of Moorhead, Minn., decided to tackle the issue with her four children. "I took photos of everything and sent them to the kids and asked about each item: 'Would you be interested in this?' " For anything that more than one of them wanted, Stelter and her husband Willis laid down a rule: draw straws or toss a coin. Son Jon, 45, an electrical engineer in Minneapolis, thinks his parents' plan is fair. Still, much as he appreciates his mother's foresight, he admits he didn't look at the photos for several weeks. "My first reaction was 'I don't want to think about my parents' death,'" he says.
That is the crux of the problem. Parents don't want to think about their death either, and nobody wants to talk about it. But, say experts, parents need to be parents one last time. "It's selfish not to take care of these end-of-life issues," says Belcher, "and selfish not to communicate with your kids about them." More important, it's the final statement you make as a parent. Done openly, it will ensure the greatest legacy of all: family members who remain friends after you're gone.