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Along with the Red Bulls, Smith's five-bedroom, 4,700-sq.-ft. rented house in the San Fernando Valley is stocked with a Costco's worth of Kraft Easy Mac, pizza-flavored Pringles, Handi-Snacks and Cheetos. In addition to frying the occasional peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich, Smith has been caught on camera putting Cheez Whiz on a pickle. At the go-cart place, Smith, on the second day of her diet, attempts to eat a piece of celery, which she tries to peel. If you catch only one episode of her show, I'm guessing it should be the one in which the E!-recommended nutritionist is scheduled to come by.
Smith's weight increased during her inheritance case; she became addicted to painkillers and had a bout of depression. She hasn't gone out much and says she has not had sex in more than two years. "It's pathetic. I feel like a virgin again. I feel sorry for the next guy I attack. He's going to be dead." She promises to go hunting for phone numbers at bars very soon. "But I'll never know true love. I'll never know if it will be for me or my fame or my money. That's the saddest thing about being me," she says. "Everybody I know has made money from me and thrown me away," she says.
"Except your poor lawyer who had his gas turned off," yells Stern. This guy is good.
Though she's dieting, her olive-eating habits have reached a level at which I cannot possibly compete, so, to get her to stop, I acquiesce to Smith's demand to put makeup on me. Despite the fact that she weighs more than 200 lbs., Smith is still beautiful and sexy enough to make men do things like this. At least that is the story I'm sticking to.
Throughout the makeup humiliation, Stern, whose ever presence is starting to make me worry about the state of his client's appeal case, takes pictures of me with a disposable camera. At 1:15 a.m., after half an hour of washing my face and returning to bed to watch the beginning of The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom, I tell Smith I have to leave. When she gets out of bed to hug me goodbye, I palm the disposable camera with the incriminating pictures and slip it into my pocket. The truth is, no matter what anybody claims about reality shows, there is only so much somebody will let other people see.