Zookeeper
The worst children's movie I saw this year* didn't immediately present itself as such. Watching an affable zookeeper (Kevin James) putter around a Boston zoo wasn't painful. Not that I cared about his romantic dilemma — instead of noticing his lovely colleague (Rosario Dawson), he twists himself in knots to woo back a superficial twit (Leslie Bibb) who dumped him because she inexplicably disapproves of his job. Who doesn't like animals? Or enjoy the powerful beacon of a Rosario Dawson smile? But then the animals start speaking and the tasteless torture begins. Sylvester Stallone voices a blowhard lion, Cher is his emasculating mate, and most gruesome of all, Nick Nolte is a gorilla who longs to dine at TGIF's. The combination of inane human behavior (the zookeeper takes urinating lessons from a wolf) and gross imaginings of conversations between animals is toxic.
*Apologies to the unseen Smurfs and SpyKids 4; word is they could have been contenders.