This may sound heretical or even downright mean. But let's not mince words: pandas are evil. Oh, but they're so cute, you say, and chubby and fluffy and bumbling. They have those sweet, complacent smiles, and they eat bamboo! Well, listen here. The first step to getting over pandas is to imagine the coloration of their black-and-white fur as being the inverse of what it is — you see? Now it's less of a cuddly exotic woodland creature and more of a freakishly large raccoon. Slothful to the point of being circumspect, pandas loll around, knowing full well that most of the humans in their midst will fall for their deceptive, charming spell.
What most people don't realize is that pandas have us duped. They are the one species in the animal kingdom that seems to live outside the realm of Darwinian science. Most creatures in the universe follow German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche's axiom: a creature "will strive to grow, spread, seize, become predominant ... because it is living and because life simply is will to power." Pandas didn't seem to get the memo. They have no will to live or reproduce. To this day, scientists have to perform grotesque procedures to keep the panda population from collapsing into oblivion. Forget about the fact that pandas are mean-spirited, mate-abusing, progeny-mauling, deviant monsters. Forget about the fact that these hoodlum bears have conned humanity with their supposed cuteness. The most evil thing about pandas? The cunning with which they expose the stupidity of humans.