Tales of heroic dolphin rescues date back to ancient Greece, when Arion, a poet in the 7th century B.C., was said to have been thrown overboard by pirates and then carried to safety by dolphins. Dolphins are legendary for their seemingly selfless acts of bravery — even Dick Van Dyke recently claimed he was rescued by a pack of the adorable sea creatures after he suffered a terrible surfing accident. But when you stop and think about it, dolphins are an incredibly inefficient means of travel. The ocean is cold and your hands will start to hurt once you get tired of grabbing onto their fins. Dolphins sometimes swim by jumping in little arcs, which would make for a very bumpy ride — and some water up your nose. Also, they smell like fish.
And what was Dick Van Dyke doing surfing, anyway?