Quotes of the Day

The music that plays over The Closet's opening credits is bouncy, light and somewhat nostalgic, reminiscent of the score you would hear running through a Doris Day comedy. If it had been made in the 1960s, this movie about an accountant who saves his job by pretending to be gay might have been funny. The shock-value alone would have made it a must-see. But in the year 2002 homosexuality is neither shocking nor innately humorous, so a film based on that premise would need something more to be worth watching.

Unfortunately, The Closet (Le Placard) has no surprises, pushes no boundaries, doesn't even come up with any new jokes. François Pignon (Daniel Auteuil) is a shy, quiet accountant, so insignificant that he's left out of the company photo and his ex-wife and son fight over who's not going to answer the phone whenever he calls. After hearing that he is soon to be fired, he considers throwing himself from his balcony, only to be stopped by kindly gay neighbor Belone (Michel Aumont) who comes up with a plan: if Pignon pretends he's gay, his company will have to keep him on or else face public accusations of homophobia. To kick off the rumor, Belone sends the office a fake picture of the mild-mannered number-cruncher entering a gay club with his derrière hanging out of a pair of leather trousers. Suddenly, not only is Pignon keeping his job, but he's gaining a new reputation for being secretive, intriguing — and attractive to the opposite sex.

For his film to work, writer/director Francis Veber is asking his audience to believe that a man would so readily enter a ruse he would have to keep up for the rest of his life; that after 20 years at the same company, he never made a friend who would question his sudden coming out; that everyone he works with is so naïve about homosexuality that they would all be completely thrown for a loop by his revelation — implying that none of them has ever known a gay person and no-one else working there is gay. But Veber (who is a comedic veteran with writing credits for hits like The Birdcage and The Man With One Red Shoe) asks too much. The deeper Pignon goes into his pretence, the more questions arise: Why would Belone, a proud gay man, push a friend to make a mockery of his sexuality? How could a man who claims to love and miss his son so easily lie to the boy? And what happens if Pignon ever wants to date?

Belone, who himself was fired from a job years ago for coming out, says he's glad to see things are evolving. But the evolution only goes so far: when Pignon's female manager tries to undress him to find the tattoo he sports in the photo — and Pignon claims sexual harassment — she gets away with only a warning. On top of that, she is furious with Pignon, thinking he had no right to rat on her. And all of this is seen as normal and acceptable by everyone else. No outrage over her blatant sexual harassment, no dissenting voice. The Closet may be trying to squeeze gags out of the idiosyncrasies of political correctness, but it only succeeds in diluting any controversy until it is as dull as its leading accountant.

Speaking of which, Auteuil does very well as the unremarkable Pignon. Too well, in fact. When the script demands he grow more confident and happier with himself, his expression barely changes. He looks uncomfortable in the new role, as if he'd rather go back to being invisible. Actually, most of the cast looks like they would rather be somewhere else, with few exceptions. As Santini, the bully who befriends Pignon to hide his homophobia before questioning his own sexuality, Gérard Depardieu doesn't disappoint. He manages to pump personality into the character — despite being lumbered with lines like "Wine makes me feel gay. But not that kind of gay!" — and somehow convinces us that even gay-bashers sometimes deserve our sympathy. But the bright star of the cast is Aumont, who is sorely underused as neighbor Belone. His grandfatherly smile and almost Zen-like calm make him a pleasure to watch. Whenever he appears, especially when gently holding his pet kitten to his chest, his warmth radiates from the screen. You can't help but spend the rest of the film waiting for him to reappear.

At its essence, the film claims to be about self-discovery. By pretending not to like women, "I have become a man" Pignon says. But it doesn't take a psychologist to see that his change is due less to personal growth than it is to self-delusion and a hunger for acceptance. He only becomes exciting once the people around him think he is exciting. Every step of his metamorphosis is prompted by other people's perceptions of him, none of the momentum is his own. He even makes his ex-wife promise not to tell his son that he is really straight because his son thinks gay dad is so much cooler. With a confused message, a tired story and only a smattering of laugh-out-loud moments, The Closet is completely empty.

• JUMANA FAROUKY
• With cheap gags, flat characters and a predictable plot, French comedy The Closet closes the door on a satirical look at political correctness