Does the name Amy Sutherland sound familiar? Perhaps in 2006 you were one of a gazillion people who were forwarded her personal essay "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage," which ended up becoming the New York Times' most e-mailed article of the year. That story, born out of her experience working with students at a place she calls "the Harvard for exotic animal training," detailed the discovery that she could train her husband, Scott, just as she learned to train dolphins. Movie offers, television appearances and a barrage of emails followed, not to mention a book contract. Sutherland sat down with TIME to discuss her new book: What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage.
TIME: How did you get in touch with the New York Times Modern Love column?
SUTHERLAND: I just sent it in over the web! You can submit right over the web and it
goes directly to the editor's inbox. At the time, I thought it was a
long shot, but I thought, you know who else is writing about this? They
get 10,000 submissions each year. The editor, David Jones, later told me
he knew it was a keeper.
Were you surprised by the response?
Oh God, yes. The first thing that
happened that morning is the BBC called me. They called me at 10 o'clock
and I thought, "What's up with this?" Then I saw that it was on the Top
10 list. On Monday, I started getting e-mails from movie producers, the
Today Show. I just sat at my desk going, "Oh my God!" I just wanted it
to be in the New York Times! I would have been perfectly happy with
that. And then it hit number one and it just stayed there.
Why do you think people reacted so strongly?
Well, one thing about my
column that I think jumped out at people is that there's not too much
humor in the Modern Love column, typically, and there's not too much
humor in The New York Times. So it sort of jumped off the page in that
respect. And as much as I love The New York Times, it doesn't give you a
real sense of everyday life.
Have any of your girlfriends tried these techniques in their
relationships?
I have two in particular who I know have at least thought
about it. We talk and "shamu" it. If they're having a problem, we sort
of break it down. It makes for more interesting conversation: how many
times have you talked with your friends and it's just moaning and
complaining? And you know, that's justified. But with these techniques,
it becomes more of a creative discussion to come up with solutions.
Would you categorize this as a self-help book?
I don't know how quite to
categorize it. My fast way to describe it is a "quirky, personal
memoir." Because, to me and I tried to write it this way you
could read it in a variety of ways. You could read it and just have it
be funny. You could read it and learn about animals and animal behavior
and training. You could read it and just get some general food for
thought, like philosophy. Or you could really look toward specific
ideas to improve relationships.
In the book, you talk about the "inner primate." What's that?
I first heard it from Gary Wilson, a
teacher at the school. And he just means that we're really aware of
hierarchy and rank. We don't like to be pushed around. On the flip side,
we like to push around. Trainers have to really fight that urge because
their relationship with their animals should always be cooperative.
They're not trying to get them to do anything as a reflection of the
trainer's ego or to just show that they're in charge. You really have to
drop that whole "who's in charge of what."
What kind of backlash have you experienced?
People often talk about how
it's not right to manipulate other people's behavior, but it's already
going on. So why not be more conscious and more productive about it?
This is about using rewards instead of trying to change people's
behavior by punishing them, or yelling at them or snapping at them.
Another enormously popular animal trainer is "Dog Whisperer" Cesar
Millan. How does your approach differ from his?
I've watched his show a
number of times, and a lot of his techniques are very similar to this.
The only difference is that he puts a lot more emphasis on dominance
than any of the other trainers I've worked with or followed. And these
are trainers who were working with killer whales and other really big,
dangerous animals. So, if they can train complicated behaviors without
using dominance, it seems to me that you wouldn't need to with dogs.
What did you think of the recent tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo?
I was obsessed with that story. There was a lot of great coverage of
that, but one idea, which was very anthropomorphic, was that [the
victims] made the tiger mad and that's why the tiger jumped. A tiger is
really not likely to jump just because it's mad. They did something to
make that tiger think they were prey. So they either got on the fence,
or jumped over the fence, or did something with their behavior to make
that tiger think "dinner," and all the switches go on the rush of
adrenaline in those animals is incredible.
Some animal-rights activists, even members of the general public, have a
very negative perception of zoos.
Well,
some of that is from a misunderstanding of how zoos operate, or what the
animals need. We equate an enclosure with prison, and it's a very
anthropomorphic way of looking at the animals. And one of the cool
things that they've done with training is that they now use training not
only to take care of the animals in the zoo, but use it for stimulation
and for exercise. So if a zoo trains an elephant to do what to some
people might look like tricks, the thing is, those tricks are like
calisthenics, it's like physical and mental exercise. That's
fundamentally good for the elephant.
Maureen Dowd wrote a column in response to yours in which she draws a
parallel between your approach to relationships and technology's effect
on society and relationships. What did you think about that?
People are
always saying, "Aren't people more complicated than animals?" And we
are. But one of the things that animals totally have over us is that
they pay attention. We're always noodling around. We say things we don't
mean because we're not paying attention. We miss things because we're
thinking about what we're going to have for dinner. Animals can't afford
that. They're right in the moment. I hate to use that New Age-y term,
but they really are. And new technology is certainly providing a lot
more ways to be extremely distracted. Sometimes I wish a dinosaur would
come back. I think we'd all pay attention a lot more if life weren't so
easy for us.
What do you think about people's need to be affectionate with animals,
like the moment in your book when you bear-hugged a dolphin?
I think we
have a longing to be part of the web of life, and animals remind us of
that. I mean, that's part of why we have pets, I think, it sort of pulls
us back into that broader web. For me, that was the real magic of the
book and learning the training because the way these principles
worked with every species, including us, made me feel like, "See? We are
part of it." Because we think of ourselves as this invasive species, but
we're not. I mean, we behave like that. But we're not. We really are
part of everything.
How was this experience different from other stories you've worked on?
So many things were a surprise about this whole experience. I'm a
journalist. I like to live vicariously through all these stories, but I
was always just a removed observer. And I found that this experience of
being at that zoo and around those animals had this transformative
effect that I describe in the book, but the other thing that happened to
me that's not in the book is that I have never really been able to go
back to a normal life. I miss all that animal contact. It opened a door
in me that I have not been able to close. I don't know what to do about
that. It's like I need a fix almost.
What do you think then of people who don't like animals?
I try not to
think bad things about them. [laughs ] But I find those people very
rarely.
What are some of the more bizarre questions you've been asked by
readers?
Well, I did get some really weird e-mail questions when the
column came out. I had a woman who I didn't know if she was kidding
or not but she e-mailed me that her boyfriend would pop the pimples
on her face [laughs] ... and how could she get him to stop. I wrote: "I
would break up with him!" I was just like, "Move! Move away!" I hope that
one was made up. People often ask me things with their kids and I definitely have
ideas but I don't have my own kids so I don't have firsthand
experience.
But if you did have kids, you'd be applying these techniques?
Oh yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. The biggest thing they showed me is how
easily and unintentionally you can encourage behavior you don't want by
giving it attention. I have friends who have basically trained their
kids to whine by always responding to it. Or the classic is that kids
don't get any attention when they're behaving nicely, and then the
moment they're not, they get a ton of attention.