WINNERS & LOSERS
[WINNERS]
ROBIN WILLIAMS In a contest of treacly movie ideas, Patch Adams’ laughter-heals-pain tops Stepmom’s love-your-enemy
GARY ANDERSON Vikings kicker sets record with perfect season. Still less famous than Bobby Boucher
THE INTERNET Ten guys buy gifts online, and the NASDAQ explodes. Who owns suckerventurecapitalists.com
[& LOSERS]
KEVIN WILLIAMSON Attractive teens! Hilfiger tie-ins! Still, The Faculty bombed. Now the Scream guy’s got to learn to write
THE NBA Last-minute settlement or no, pro hoops are in trouble. And we know Michael can’t hit 70 taters
OUTDOORSY CEOS Branson falls; Ellison survives deadly yacht race. Steaks and martinis are sounding healthy
999: THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS
Anyone who anticipates Armageddon in 12 short months might like to remember–we’ve been here before. What difference 1,000 years make:
WORLD LEADERS 999: Pope Sylvester II is accused of sodomy, sorcery, worshipping idols and raising the dead 1999: William Jefferson Clinton is accused of perjury and obstruction of justice
MILLENNIAL CONCERNS 999: Impending Day of Judgment 1999: Impending Y2K bug
BIGGEST NEW YEAR’S EVE BLOWOUT 999: Thousands pack St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome to witness the end of the world 1999: Thousands pack Times Square in New York City to witness the dropping of the new Waterford crystal ball
SOCIAL UPHEAVAL 999: Rise of new class of armored knights 1999: Rise of new class of techno-geeks
MASS MOVEMENTS 999: Entire nation of Iceland converts to Christianity 1999: Entire nation of moviegoers awaits Star Wars prequel
THE Y2K COMMERCIAL BUG
Want to make your mark on the millennium? Better get in line. The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has been inundated with more than 1,400 applications for millennial trademarks, which could lead to some serious endorsement conflicts at your next New Year’s Eve party: Do you reach for the official champagne of the millennium (Korbel) or the official martini (Beefeater)? Our guide to the clash of the trademark titans:
PRODUCT CONTENDER VS. CONTENDER BEER MILLER: The Official Sponsor of the Millennium COORS: The Official Beer of Y2K
OUR WINNER Who wants to drink a brew that reminds you of a computer virus? It’s Miller-ennium time!
CANDY M&M’s: The Official Candy of the Millennium MARS: The Official Chocolate of the New Millennium
[OUR WINNER] The M’s have it in an intracompany battle–if only because their name spells out 2000 in Roman numerals
AIRLINE UNITED AIRLINES: Official Airline of the Millennium* ALASKA AIRLINES: Official Airline of the Millennium*
[OUR WINNER] As a scary place that most people haven’t been to yet, Alaska is more appropriate
FOOD UNCLE BEN’S: The Food of the Millennium BOCA BURGER: The Official Burger of the New Millennium
[OUR WINNER] Sorry, Uncle, plain rice is the food of the past millennium
PROSAIC ACME BRICKS: The Official Brick of the Millennium OBJECT ANGELO BROTHERS: The Official Ballast of the New Millennium
[OUR WINNER] After all those Road Runner cartoons, who could resist Acme?
(*trademark pending)
60-SECOND SYMPOSIUM
PARDEE HARDEE In 1982 Prince sang the soon-to-be-unavoidable lyric, “So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” Beyond that he offered no explanation. With the year finally upon us, we asked legendary revelers to tell us: How does one party like it’s 1999?
DICK CLARK, Dorian Gray-ish New Year’s Eve host: “The ideal way is to be with friends and family in a very familiar surrounding. Put the TV on as wallpaper in the background. I will keep you apprised of the time and the weather. Don’t wallow on the bad side. Look forward to the good side, and be glad you are there to see tomorrow.”
HUGH HEFNER, editor in chief of Playboy: “The party theme has a whole new meaning as we approach the new millennium. 1999 happens to be the Year of the Rabbit. We have a touring black bus that will look for that one special Playmate for the 2000 issue. We expect to interview and photograph 10,000 women. Work, work, work. Somebody has got to do it.”
HUNTER THOMPSON, journalist: “The police determine who whoops it up on New Year’s Eve ’99 and who doesn’t. Law-enforcement wisdom anticipates chaos, curfews and riots. Criminals will run amuck. Misinformed SWAT teams will attack the guilty and innocent alike. Professional advice says stay home, lock doors, douse lights, don’t answer the phone. Happy New Year.”
CLICHE WATCH
POP QUIZ Think you’re prepared for the President’s upcoming impeachment trial? Take this test: match the Senator to his most frequently used media sobriquets and fun facts!
1. Trent Lott 2. Joseph Lieberman 3. Robert Byrd 4. Orrin Hatch 5. Daniel Patrick Moynihan
A. Stiff-necked Mormon elder; wearer of SAVE THE CHILDREN ties; a friend of Ted Kennedy’s
B. Grandfatherly figure known for strict interpretation of the Constitution; tweedy; has clashed with Clinton in the past; Hell’s Kitchen-raised
C. Self-appointed Senate historian; self-appointed guardian of senatorial prerogatives; known for his regal airs and bringing home the bacon
D. Never a hair out of place; former Ole Miss cheerleader who wins perfect ratings from conservative organizations; owlish partisan who honed leadership techniques alongside Newt Gingrich
E. A conscience of the Senate; longtime Clinton ally in the “New Democrat” movement; the Senate’s only Orthodox Jew; a moralist with chutzpah
Answers: 1-D, 2-E, 3-C, 4-A, 5-B
NUMBERS
$2.6 billion Total online shopping sales for 1997
$5 billion Estimated online shopping sales for the holiday season, 1998
$118 billion Total Wal-Mart sales for 1997
$15.4 billion Wal-Mart’s current market capitalization
$72 billion AOL’s current market capitalization
6 million Estimated number of visitors to the Eiffel Tower in 1998–a new record
6 million Estimated number of visitors to Disney’s Animal Kingdom, Florida, in its first year
18,210 Total number of murders in the U.S. during 1997
25 Number of years since violent-crime rates have been this low
37 Estimated percentage of crimes that are reported to the police
Sources: Interpublic Group of Companies, Jupiter Communications, New York Times, Associated Press, FBI, Bureau of Justice Statistics
TIME CAPSULE
Back when a certain intern was still a junior at Lewis and Clark College, the Whitewater scandal broke. Attorney General JANET RENO was authorized to appoint a special counsel:
Clinton told advisers, “I want to get on with the business of my presidency,” and gave the go-ahead for a special counsel…But there are questions about the special counsel. Who will be chosen? Reno’s only answer was someone “ruggedly independent”… How broad or narrow will the probe be? Said Justice Department spokesman Carl Stern: “We are not going to tell the special counsel what to investigate. He or she is going to tell us.” The difference could be crucial. An inquiry focused narrowly on Whitewater…might be concluded speedily but be open to charges of inadequacy. A broader investigation could turn into a fishing expedition lasting years…Obviously no one can predict the outcome of the special counsel’s probe. The dealings are so complex that it is difficult even to summarize the suspicions they arouse…But on another level, the investigation concerns the much larger issue of whether a President and First Lady can be trusted to obey the law and tell the truth.
–TIME, Jan. 24, 1994
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