The setting for a good Saturday matinee must be carefully selected. The theater should be old, cavernous and dirty, with lots of balcony railing to prop sneakers on. The popcorn butter should be on the congealed side, and the popcorn itself sold in hard wax containers, which, when stomped, produce a report like an 18th century cannon. The candy counter should be well stocked with small, hard sweets that can be hurled at antagonists below.
All confections, in fact, should ideally double as weapons. Sugar Daddy lollipops, made of viscid caramel, will last through any double feature, and their remains can...