Cinema: Not to Be Believed

Hello, Cyril? This is your roommate Bonn. I have the most divine news. I mean, divine. You remember Modesty Blaisel And The Day the Fish Came Out? Well, now there’s a raving new one called The Touchables, and it is absolutely not to be believed it’s so—so, well, divine.

There’s two gorgeous wrestlers, you see? A white one, Ricki Starr, played by Ricki Starr. And a black one called Lillywhite—don’t you just love it? Ricki wears red ballet slippers and pirouettes in the ring. And Lilly has these terrific pectorals and wears a mask like Batman. He kind of falls for this absolutely sumptuous rock-‘n’-roll singer, Christian, played by David Anthony. But before he can kidnap him, some wretched girls—the Touchables, they call themselves—capture Christian and spirit him away. They also steal some statues. The statues are the ones with expressions.

Anyway, they take Christian to this house, only it’s not really a house but a big inflatable dome. Of course it’s a phallic symbol, silly. Isn’t everything? The Touchables keep Christian prisoner and make love to him. Women are such wretches, aren’t they? I mean, they can only think of one thing. The end? Well, the wrestlers fight it out—divine—Christian goes to Hollywood, the girls get nothing, and their dome deflates.

Cyril, you better run if you want to catch it, because I don’t think it’s going to last too long. There were people actually booing when I saw it. The wretches.