Cheating: It's All-American — And It's Great!

Steroids and polyurethane suits may make us queasy — but they also make us perform better

Illustration by John Ueland for TIME

There is a dangerous anticheating sentiment in this country. We are disgusted by David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez for taking steroids — even though steroids made Boston relevant for the first time in 200 years. We are appalled by swimmers who break records with full-body polyurethane suits — despite the fact that this technology allows straight men to look directly at the television.

These steroided, polyurethaned cheating men should be our heroes. For while we trumpet achievement through discipline, Americans are a performance-enhanced people — a Botoxed, Prozacked, Viagraed, LASIKed, Propeciaed, liposuctioned, tooth-whitened, spell-checked, serotonin-inhibited superrace. When Ortiz pushes a baseball...

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