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SHOCKING

Hey, MADONNA: What the what?

DAISY DUKE on the cover of Vanity Fair

SHIA LABEOUF tells Playboy his mom is sexy. Most awkward Mother’s Day gift ever

CAT STEVENS accuses Coldplay of plagiarism. CHRIS MARTIN denies changing name to Yusuf Islam

New book claims VAN GOGH did not cut own ear off but lost it in a knife fight. We’re not sure which is more badass

Bored Supreme Court extends NIPPLEGATE case

Gay-marriage opponent MISS CALIFORNIA obviously not opposed to naughty, naughty pictures

Since there just aren’t enough celebrity talkfests, OPRAH helps JENNY MCCARTHY launch her own show

PREDICTABLE

SEAN PENN files for divorce. Jeez, give a man an Oscar …

KIEFER SUTHERLAND gets all Kiefer Sutherland at party

SNL’s WEEKEND UPDATE to become half-hour prime-time show

PENTAGON to use social networks for recruiting, unaware that nobody likes being poked by the Defense Department

JOE THE PLUMBER says, No gay people near my kids. Gay people say feeling is mutual

PAULA ABDUL admits to former painkiller addiction

HUGH JACKMAN possibly to star as Houdini on Broadway. Just glue a top hat to the guy’s head, already

BRISTOL PALIN to head teen-pregnancy group, closing that barn door just in time

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE