I Wrote the Oscars!

Maybe just a little bit of them. And the hugs from Hugh Jackman are all the reward I need

Illustration by John Ueland for TIME; Jackman: Bruce Glikas / Getty

For reasons I accept but will never fully understand, hundreds of millions of people would rather be entertained by the Oscars than by this column. So I felt vindicated when I got an e-mail three weeks ago from John Palermo, the producing partner of this year's host, Hugh Jackman, saying he liked my work and wanted me to write for the Academy Awards. I wasn't exactly sure how the Academy expected me to craft an opening in which Jackman quickly segued into talking about me and my sophomoric sexual obsessions, but I was up for the challenge.

Since this was clearly...

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