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SHOCKING

82-year-old CLORIS LEACHMAN joins Dancing with the Stars

MADONNA flashes pic of McCain alongside image of Hitler. McCain flashes pic of Madonna alongside Britney Spears

KARA DIOGUARDI added as fourth American Idol judge

RAFAEL NADAL reneges on threatened image makeover. Capri-pants industry breathes sigh of relief

Reggaeton star DADDY YANKEE endorses McCAIN. Confused McCain looks for Uncle Sam impersonator

CHER (absurdly) rumored to play Catwoman in next Batman film

St. Paul BILLBOARD greets GOP delegates

SEINFELD signs on as Microsoft spokesman. Not that there’s anything wrong with that

PREDICTABLE

MICHAEL JACKSON turns 50. Nose turns 14

MICHAEL PHELPS secures speedy book deal

SHERYL CROW to give away 50,000 copies of new album in voter-registration drive

Warner Bros. sues Indian film HARI PUTTAR over title. Someone should retroactively sue makers of Lord of the Singhs

Time-out for DA BRAT; sentenced to three years for assault

Milwaukee jumps shark, unveils bronze FONZ statue

Led Zeppelin lyrics sanitized during Olympics closing ceremony. Robert Plant replaced by THIS GIRL

KATY PERRY says SCARLETT JOHANSSON was inspiration behind I Kissed a Girl. WOODY ALLEN says, “See, it’s not just me.”

Reality-show professional KIM KARDASHIAN joins Dancing with the Stars

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE