Show Business: Close Encounters, but Unkind

. . . And, by the way, is the water safe to inhale?

Dear TIME, I am writing you because I need some information, and according to your TV commercials, you know what's happening on your world. Before the little ones are old enough to slither away, I would like to visit earth, show them the sights of Disneyland, let my other half wander through Bloomingdale's, and do some shopping for myself at Radio Shack. But I have been watching your television for years, and if your movies are any indication, it seems that though earth may be a nice place to live, it is not a good place for aliens like me to...

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