Punchlines: Apr. 18, 2005

"In an uncharacteristically generous gesture, [Cuban President Fidel] Castro said that any Cuban citizens who wish to pay their respects to the Pope at the Vatican will be given a free raft and a push." --DENNIS MILLER

"The United States announced a plan to tighten all borders by the year 2008. Unfortunately, Mexico announced a plan to have all their people here by 2007." --JAY LENO

"Pfizer, the company that makes Viagra, reported that profits went down 6% last year. Afterward Pfizer said, 'I'm sorry. This has never happened before.'" --CONAN O'BRIEN

"President Bush flew to Rome today for the Pope's funeral. It was...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now


Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!