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Me: Let's read about Draco Malfoy.
Plum: Why do I want to learn about him? I already know all about him! Which is that he's so stupid!
Me: I don't understand why we can't read further into Chapter 5.
Plum: I'd like to buy some felix felicis. I really want to get out of this scene.
Me: Mommy wants to go in five minutes.
Plum: We have to finish this! Try collecting that teacup.
Me: "You found a chipped cup."
Plum: [Imitating the Potter Puppet Pals] Yaaaaay! We found the chipped cup!
Me: [Looking around for something we can do, I take the plunge into the social-networking features.] Shall we make friends with those people?
Plum: Look, his name is EyeNiffler.
Me: Now we have three friends. They're in different houses. EyeNiffler seems to be in Ravenclaw.
Plum: What's IceDragon in? Hufflepuff. Oh, I hate LightMoonstone! You're in Slytherin! I hate you! Yay, he only has one house point.
Me: I really want to get sorted. [I read the FAQ.] Looks like we have to get to the part about the sorting ceremony in Chapter 7.
Plum: I want to go to Chapter 7. I want to get sorted. Someone get me sorted.
Me: Clearly this will be an ongoing project.
Plum: What does that mean?
Me: It means we probably aren't going to get far enough to get sorted right now.
Plum: I wish we could at least get some house points. [She frowns.] But we can only get house points if we get sorted!
Me: [Once again I'm defeated by her logic.] It's a paradox. Maybe we haven't explored enough. Do you want to leave a comment?
Plum: My comment is, Hurry up and get to the next chapter! Pottermore, I hate you because you're so slow. That's what I think of Pottermore.
Me: O.K., I'm calling it. That was Pottermore Session 1.
Plum: [In a grand voice] Session 1: completely unsuccessful!
Grossman is a senior writer at TIME and the author of the new novel The Magician King, a New York Times best seller. Find him on Twitter at @leverus or at levgrossman.com.