Q&A: Comedian Kathy Griffin on the Royal Wedding

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Kathy Griffin performs at her Concert at Gibson Amphitheatre on December 16, 2010 in Universal City, California.

Kathy Griffin isn't British. She isn't a princess and she has never been married in Westminster Abbey. But that won't stop the comedienne from hosting Kathy Griffin's Insightful and Hilarious Take on the Royal Wedding tonight on the TV Guide Network. TIME talks to Griffin about her advice for the royal newlyweds and why she had hoped a gay man would design Kate Middleton's wedding dress.

You're hosting a special about the royal wedding. Would you like to remind our readers about your expertise in this area?
My expertise in this area? I like chips. And I like fish as long as the batter is good.

I assume you're going to maybe have a little bit of sport with the royals.
Oh I'm having nothing but sport. The TV Guide network came to me and said "We don't want any seriousness. We want pure comedy." And that's what I believe weddings should be. We'll be looking for any unique moments to, as the Brits would say, take the piss out of the day. If you recall, Diana botched her vows, got Charles's name wrong. Fingers crossed, Kate will accidentally call him Harry and if she won't, I will.

Do you not sometimes think that making fun of the royal family is a bit like picking on the special ed kids at high school?
No, I really think the royal family can handle themselves very well. I would not consider them to be an oppressed minority.

Was the last royal wedding really big here? The Diana one?
It was huge. We all stayed up for it. I'll never forget her dress, and of course the little moment when she kind of sits on the dress. I can only hope for some sort of trip or fall or a train that Kate Middleton's gay has accidentally made four inches too long.

Did you say her gay? G–A–Y, gay?
I said Kate Middleton's gay. I really hope that Kate Middleton is not letting heterosexuals design her dress or anywhere near her on her wedding day — except for her husband of course.

What's the closest thing that Americans have to a royal wedding?
I heard that Snooki is in a relationship. Fingers crossed that she can lure a man into a commitment. Then that would be our royal wedding.

Can you foresee a time when weddings become less big, expensive, prominent events in our Western culture?
Yes I can. As a matter of fact, when I got married I actually made the entire wedding a benefit for AmFar in lieu of gifts. And I also got people to sponsor various things in the wedding, so I then made a huge donation to AmFar. By the way, it also ended in bitter divorce, so f___ me and the horse I flew in on. However, I do think there will come a time where weddings should be a less expensive...I'm going to use the word "ordeal." I personally am a fan of a backyard wedding. Although I do want to go on the record as saying I am actually politically opposed to heterosexual marriage being legal. I believe that heterosexuals who are married should be in prison.

So after this, you're touring to London.
Yes, I'm so excited. I feel like Liza Minnelli. I'm doing two shows at the Palace [Theatre] on June 19 and I won't be happy unless there's some sort of international incident that hopefully I can cause during my special that then I would have to go and clean up my mess at my shows. I'm expecting to do my two shows and then have to spend the night under a shroud of safety at the embassy.

The British tend to think of Americans as loud and brash and given to plastic surgery. I was wondering what you were going to do to fight that stereotype?
First of all, I'm going to bring my plastic surgery face and my plastic surgery body and remind them about the f___ing Revolutionary War. I'll happily show them the stitches in my hair to prove that I am a patriot.

In other words, not a lot?
Not a lot. Exactly.

I was wondering if you had any tips for the young couple for staying married?
Yes. I would say, what I would suggest coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I would say that the royal family needs to look into following my 90-year-old alcoholic mother's advice, which is to get a nice solid box of wine and just sip it. I know they probably have nice glasses or as they would call them chalices, but nothing beats a half empty box of wine and a smile and maybe an old episode of the Celebrity Apprentice. That is what brings families together.

You ever officiated at a wedding?
I have officiated a wedding, but believe it or not it was a heterosexual wedding, which threw everyone for a loop. For some reason, and I haven't gotten to the bottom of it, but I haven't been asked to do another one. I'm no Archbishop of Canterbury, that's fact.

I don't know if you know this, but Anderson Cooper is off to London without you. Did you guys maybe break up on New Year's Eve after your special?
We are still happily together, but he did say that it feels odd to be on television next to a countdown clock and not have me punching him in the stomach or cursing.

Right. A guy's got to miss that.
It's an adjustment for him, but you know what, he's a newcomer and I wish him the best.