Straws in the Wind. In Lynden, Wash., Tribune Advertiser Jake Bovenkamp offered to sell 120 tons of hay, preferably "to Republicans only."
R.S.V.P. In Des Moines, Cab Driver William A. Roach hired a man to beat him up, was hauled off to a hospital, told police that "I thought my former wife would come here to see me," was informed that she couldn't make it.
Arms & the Man. In Toledo, onetime Conscientious Objector Charles Cline, 30, who had served two years in a Michigan federal prison for refusing to shoulder a gun, was given one to three years in Ohio Penitentiary for carrying a concealed weapon.
Flock Together. In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., cocktail lounge boss H. Greet sued the Miami Rare Bird Farm for $75,000 after 1) two parakeets he bought from the aviary "for Oriental atmosphere" died of parrot fever, 2) the county health department ordered his remaining 25 exotic birds destroyed, 3) his saloon was quarantined for five days.
Fodder by Duco. In Waukomis, Okla., Fanner Virgil Beard collected $75 from his insurance company to get his car repainted after the original coat was licked off by his 25 cows.
O Pioneers! In Berkeley, Calif., the Elves', Gnomes' & Little Men's Science Fiction Chowder & Marching Society sent a letter to the United Nations legal department, claimed mining rights on 2,250 sq. mi. of the moon.
Triangle. Near Lorain, Ohio, Susan Back told police that she stabbed her boy friend, Sherman Bigley, in the hip because he had stolen the affections of her pet monkey.
Pigskin Parade. In Mount Vernon, Wash., police nabbed Robber George Brodeur, who happily told them: "I'm glad you got me. I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I want to get back to McNeil Island [federal penitentiary] in time for spring football practice."
Getaway. In Arlington, Va., the judge let Haywood L. Miller off with a light $15 fine for reckless driving and fleeing from highway cops at 70 m.p.h., after Miller explained: "I was out with another man's wife, and I thought that's who was chasing me."
Scalpel! Sponge! In St. Louis, Maintenance Man Gus Smith sued the city for $25,000. claimed that while working at its Municipal Hospital he had 1) walked across a floor that looked like wood. 2) crashed through a painted glass ceiling. 3) broken both legs when he landed on a conference table surrounded by doctors.