Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2011

The GOP Presidential Candidates

Michele Bachmann
What you'll need:
• The Aug. 15, 2011, cover of Newsweek
• Rubber bands
• Staples

Cut out Bachmann's face from Newsweek cover, poke holes through eyes, staple rubber bands at the edges and place on your face. Tip: it helps to walk around overly wide-eyed, like you just drank a coffeemaker. As for the outfit, you can just reuse your Sarah Palin getup from last year.

Rick Perry
What you'll need:
• Chaps
• Rugged, Carhartt-style coat
• An oversize belt buckle
• Nightcap

The first three items will let people know you're Texas' swaggering "jobs governor." The nightcap emphasizes Perry's sleepiness on the campaign trail.

Herman Cain
What you'll need:
• A suit
• A pizza box
• A gimmicky jobs plan to restore America to fiscal sustainability and greatness through a systematic overhaul of the federal tax code

Open pizza box, place jobs plan inside. Tip: your plan will sound much more persuasive if you repeat a single number over and over again. Or if you give it extra cheese.