The Crash Potato

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It's up. It's down. It's the Hang Seng. The "Footsie." The Dow. It's the tail wagging the dog, the Correction of '97.
A record slide!
A record rise!
A blip.
It's not a matter of being confused it's about recognizing confusion when you see it. And right now, the markets (and their attendant swarms of pundits) are lousy with it. But like a smooth rock in a wind-tossed bay; like the "Money Honey" on the crowded exchange floor; the right movie can provide sanctuary and understanding. Go back home. Go back to Trading Places. All the answers to market turmoil are there, from whimsical millionaires to crop reports to the mysterious Clarence Beeks. And it's got everybody under one zany '80s tent: Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd. Denholm Elliot. Jamie Lee Curtis' breasts. Paul Gleason, the principal from The Breakfast Club. Even an Al Franken cameo, as a jaded gorilla handler (if there is such a thing).

For an overworked au pair, it's murder. Good help is evidently as hard to find as a good jury. Be a stay-at-home parent with The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. It's borderline cheesy, of course, but vaguely ... titillating, and certainly does its disconcerting job.

But I thought Alan Greenspan's was the hand that ruled the world.

Special CP Advisory: Every Sunday in November, noon, on Cinemax: a different "Planet of the Apes" movie. I recommend missing some football for at least three of them.