This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Guiseppe Cacace/AFP/Getty

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi makes a speech during the Economic and Financial Forum for the Mediterranean.

American Girl
"homeless" doll — "Gwen" — with a $95 price tag is marketed by

American Police Force
control of empty Hardin, Montana, jail is turned over to, despite the lengthy criminal record of the leader of, and despite the utter shadiness of the entire enterprise, because, as the deal-maker says, "What have we got to lose?"

guns are now allowed in bars in, unless there's a sign banning them, but if the sign has fallen down it's okay to bring them in

Bachmann, Representative Michele
• possibility is raised by that if health care reform passes, Planned Parenthood "could become a proprietor" for "school sex clinics" in "every school across the United States" and "someone's 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night," and though the probability of such an event is roughly .0000001 in a gazillion bazillion, not a soul in the House chamber laughs out loud at

Beck, Glenn
• Vancouver is said by to have "lost, how much was it, they lost a billion dollars when they had the Olympics," which, of course, the city will host next year

Berlusconi, Silvio
• President Obama is idiotically referred to as "sun-tanned" by

• first infomercial by features attorney named Gary Kreep

Boehner, House Minority Leader John
astonishingly sheltered life of

Cheney, Liz
• threatened political future of

DeLay, Tom
• tango partner of is almost dropped by

Edwards, John
• more details from upcoming book by former toady for
• wife of may have finally had enough

Ensign, Senator John
• examination of the unethical-at-best and maybe even illegal efforts of to hush up the unhappy husband of the mistress of may yet end the career of

Family Guy
Disneyfication of

Fisher, Carrie
• observation by that "celebrity is just obscurity biding its time"

deleterious effects on brains of professional players of

Fox News
• Hugo Chavez is not a fan of
• lies by about President Obama are actually called "lies" on official White House blog

Franks, Rep. Trent
• spokeswoman for explains that statement by calling President Obama "an enemy of humanity" actually should have been worded "an enemy of unborn humanity"

Gingrich, Newt
527 group of rescinds Entrepreneur of the Year Award bestowed upon the owner of a topless club — the same award that was earlier given to and then quickly taken away from a porn executive

Grayson, Representative Alan
Democrats are urged by to show some "guts" after characterization of Republicans by as "foot-dragging, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals" whose health plan consists of wanting sick people to "die quickly" is not apologized for

King, Larry
• Michael Moore is asked by if he wrote "The Times They Are A-Changin'"

Letterman, David
• sex with staff members is confessed to by in order to thwart extortion plot against

Moon, Rev. Sun Myung
• newspaper owned by gives extremely favorable review to autobiography of

Obama, President Barack
astonishingly unchanging smile of
military coup against is fantasized about in quickly removed column

O'Brien, Conan
head of comes in sudden contact with slippery floor

Onion, The
• nation is seen by to be demanding "fresh celebrity meat"

Palin, Sarah
• "book" "by" is eagerly looked forward to by Rick Santorum, who offers this little-held opinion: "She has a gift for prose"
• omission of from 2010 "Great American Conservative Women" calendar
• resistance among lecture bookers to paying big money to for speeches by because of their perception — Rick Santorum's opinion notwithstanding — that "she is a blithering idiot"

Polanski, Roman
considerable kerfuffle results after arrest in Switzerland of, mere days after the death of the murderer of the first wife of

Pope Benedict III
spider crawls on during sermon by

Quaid, Randy
bizarre reminder of the continued existence of

Rather, Dan
• intention of to continue "long, hard fight" against CBS

reality TV
• more bad publicity for

Reid, Senate Majority Leader Harry
• Columbus Day recess is unflinchingly cancelled by so that, despite their alleged "veto-proof supermajority," Democratic senators can continue to fail to back the public health care option supported by the vast majority of the people who elected them, while simultaneously exhibiting the pathetic pusillanimity to authorize the allocation of huge sums of money that could be better spent on almost anything to pet projects of the far right fringe — for example, $50 million to the ludicrously ineffective "abstinence only education" program, leaving solicited donors to the re-election campaign of to wonder why they would want to pay money for six more years of the uselessness of

Safire, William
• infamous alliteration of
• speech written by in case Apollo 11 astronauts were stranded on the moon

Sanford, Governor Mark
• efforts of to block the release of the findings of a state ethics panel investigation lest they aid those seeking the impeachment of

Schlafly, Phyllis
"How To Take Back America" conference is headed by

yucky new development in

Vick, Michael
Nike shamelessly reinvolves itself with

Whitman, Meg
candidacy of for governor of California is hindered by lack of diligence in voting record of