afterbirthers
• Obama's placenta, according to the Onion, is demanded by
ArmorGroup North America
• State Department personnel stationed in Kabul who are guarded by Animal House–emulating employees of will not be reassured by these photos
Bachmann, Representative Michele
• one hates to pay another nanosecond of attention to, but who can ignore this clarion call by to fellow anti-health-care nuts to "slit our wrists"
Bartiromo, Maria
• a 44-year-old Congressman is asked by why he doesn't have Medicare coverage if he thinks it's so great, to which he responds, "Because I'm not 65," and somehow manages not to add, "Duh!"
Bauer, Lieut. Governor Andre
• denial of gayness by does nothing to halt the spread of rumors about the gayness of, which are rumored to have been spread by the man who would be succeeded by
Beck, Glenn
• one hates to pay another nanosecond of attention to, but who can ignore this spot-on Dan Quayle impersonation by
Blob, The
• remake of will feature a new kind of blob because, according to director Rob Zombie, "that gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now"
Buchanan, Pat
• inability of to stop defending Hitler
Cheney, Dick
• "the hell" is offended "out of" by the Obama Administration's brazen intention to launch a torture investigation instead of bowing down and shouting hosannas to for saving the country by breaking laws
• "interrogation" of by Chris Wallace is compared by Andrew Sullivan to "a teenage girl interviewing the Jonas Brothers," and then David Letterman weighs in
• zeal of the Washington Post — and especially its egregious David Broder — to keep carrying water for, though the New York Times refuses
Cheney, Liz
• disregard of for the truth is clearly genetic
Garrido, Phillip
• idiotic question is put to a victim of by — who else? — Larry King
health-care reform
• advocates of are told by Texas secessionist to "Go back to the U.S. where you belong"
• Obama will address Congress to try to repair the dog's breakfast he's made of
• protester bolsters his argument that the government has no right to enact by brandishing a copy of the "U.S.S. Constitution"
iPhones
• possible availability of to carriers other than the abysmal-service-providing AT&T means people may finally be able to have actual conversations on, which would be even more exciting if a new study hadn't just come out suggesting that cell phones cause brain cancer
Jackson, Michael
• body of lands in crypt a mere 10 weeks after the death of
Jenkins, Representative Lynn
• uninsured mother demanding an affordable public option is laughed at by
Jones, Brian
• foul play is finally officially suspected in 40-year-old drowning of
Kennedy, Senator Ted
• behavior of at Chappaquiddick is described as "inexcusable" in posthumous memoir by
• complaint by Mike Huckabee that politicizing the death of "defies good taste" goes ignored by Mike Huckabee
• George H. W. Bush is the only living President who couldn't be bothered to attend the funeral of
• heartfelt tributes to
Maddow, Rachel
• Tom Ridge turns out to be no match for
Miss Universe pageant
• choreographer for reveals that Donald Trump picked six of the finalists in because "he left it all up to preliminary judging in the past and some of the most beautiful women, in his opinion, were not in the top 15, and he was kind of upset about that"
Moody, Gary
• second arrest of in four years for sloshing around in the waste vault under a New England outhouse
Moyers, Bill
• observation by that "too many Democrats have had their spines surgically removed"
New York Times Magazine
• massive 13,000-word investigative piece is published by about euthanasia at a New Orleans hospital during Hurricane Katrina, yet all the media can talk about is how expensive — $400,000! — it was to report
Obama, President Barack
• Anne Lamott is tired of all the sucking up by to the enemies of
• upcoming speech to nation's schoolchildren by inspires hysteria among the lunatic right
Palin, Sarah
• anniversary of debut on national stage of prompts a less-than-laudatory look back at
• father of says book is being written by, and that "she e-mails me quite frequently" with questions like, "How many points did I score here?" or "When did we go to the Boston Marathon?" so said tome promises to thrill connoisseurs of inconsequential details about sports
• speaking engagement is accepted by to address a conference of global
investors in Hong Kong, but it's not till Sept. 23, so there's still plenty of time to cancel and deny having known anything about it, especially since the invitation is believed to be something of a practical joke on
• Vanity Fair article by father of grandchild of contains dozens of juicy tidbits about while simultaneously confirming the imbecility of the author
Pfizer
• record-breaking $2.3 billion penalty is imposed on in connection with various illegal marketing practices
Rivera, Geraldo
• ludicrous belief of that trashy talk shows hosted by were somehow of a higher quality than current trashy talk shows not hosted by
Station fire
• smoke from
Stephens, Roger
• overreaction of to a total stranger's crying child
torture
• latest euphemism for — "aggressive interrogation" — is one-upped by "an escalating series of coercive methods"
• the Onion questions whether using a minotaur to gore detainees is a form of
• Tom Tomorrow points out the grotesquerie of U.S. citizens refusing to acknowledge the commission of in their name
World News
• Diane Sawyer will replace Charles Gibson as anchor of, and you still won't watch