This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

Anderson, Pastor Steve
• belief of that "every homosexual in the world is a deviant, is evil and is a predator"
• prayers of for the death of President Obama
• sermon entitled "Why I Hate Barack Obama" is delivered by so rabidly that one can imagine the spittle flying from the lips of

Bachmann, Representative Michele
• supporters of are urged by to defeat health-care reform by praying and fasting

Barton, Mischa
• evident assumption by that people are total imbeciles who'll believe anything

Calley, William
• 40-years-late apology is offered by

Cheney, Dick
• claims by that the release of CIA documents would prove that the Bush Administration's enhanced interrogation techniques worked are, unsurprisingly, not borne out by release of said documents
• Obama is accused by of — oh, this is sweet — politicizing the Justice Department

CIA
• approved enhanced interrogation techniques of included "prolonged diapering"

Dowd, Maureen
• bloggers who post snarky things on the Internet without signing their names are scolded by

Dunne, Dominick
• death of at the age of 83

Ebert, Roger
• 30 years of sobriety are chronicled by

Greenwich, Ellie
• death of at the age of 68

Herger, Representative Wally
• nut who stands up at town meeting hosted by and refers to himself as a "proud right-wing terrorist" is lauded by as "a great American"

Jackson, Michael
• coroner's ruling that death of was a homicide conflicts drastically with report of the supersecret still aliveness of

Jenkins, Representative Lynn
• statement by that Republicans are looking for a "great white hope" is followed by explanation by that "I was unaware of any negative connotation" attached to the phrase

Jenkins, Ryan
• description of by father of as "a wonderful young man, a thoughtful man" who would never have killed a woman and mutilated her body and fled and committed suicide if not for the corrupting influence of Hollywood on
• Larry King conducts a predictably god-awful interview — will we ever be rid of this guy? — with the woman responsible for the casting of

Kennedy, Senator Ted
• succumbing of to brain cancer at the age of 77 prompts comedy writer Nell Scovell to observe, "At least [he] lived long enough to see the cause of his life reduced to lies and misconceptions," and prompts others to do other things

KFC
• "Double Down" sandwich being test-marketed by places bacon, cheese and sauce between two fried chicken filets

Los Angeles Times
• correction — "The Prime-Time TV grid in Thursday's Calendar section mistakenly listed MTV's Jackass show on the MSNBC cable schedule at 7 and 10 p.m. where instead MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann should have been listed" — is offered by

McCain, Senator John
• attempt of to quench thirst in public goes amusingly awry
• statement by that Obama "respects the Constitution" and is "sincere in his beliefs" evokes hostile reaction from town-hall crowd

McCaughey, Betsy
• devastating interrogation of by Jon Stewart leaves viewers to imagine how little damage the Sunday-morning network poobahs would have inflicted on

methamphetamine
• new "shake-and-bake" method for production of

Microsoft
• black man's head is replaced by white man's head in ad on Polish website of

Monroe, Marilyn
• crypt above crypt of goes back on the market after winner of eBay auction withdraws $4,602,100 bid "because of the paying problem"

Nemazee, Hassan
• arrest of on a charge of committing $74 million bank fraud

Obama, President Barack
• Jon Voight wonders if "a civil war in our own country" is being created by
• list of pet peeves of includes things like people who talk too much at meetings, schedulers who leave no time for a workout and makeup artists who "constantly want to powder my nose and forehead" but, infuriatingly, does not include opposition party members who spit on every futilely conciliatory gesture by

Palin, Sarah
• addiction of to quitting goes unchecked as once again — this is like, what, the fourth time now? — a speaking engagement is bailed on at the last minute by along with a denial that it had ever been accepted by
• terrible television program featuring delusional paranoid ravings is enthusiastically recommended by

Penn, Mark
• Wall Street Journal decides to retain as columnist — despite efforts of p.r. company run by to use column by to recruit clients for — because "we're pretty sure that it's going to stop"

Pitt, Brad
• pot-smoking of is blamed by Angelina Jolie on guess who?

Rammel, Rex
• Idaho Democrats are advised by to "take a deep breath and relax" because — despite comment by about eagerness of to purchase license to hunt the President — "we're not going to go out and hunt Obama"

Rangel, Representative Charles
• at least half a million more dollars in 2007 income is suddenly remembered by

Republican National Committee
• fear-mongering survey sent out by contains the question, "It has been suggested that ... GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health-care-rationing system. Does this possibility concern you?"
• spokesperson for concedes that survey question was "inartfully worded"

Sandler, Adam
• discovery by that acting — as opposed to just naturally behaving like a jerk — is "a lot of work"

Sanford, Governor Mark
• unintentionally amusing catalog copy promoting no-longer-upcoming book by

Stark, Representative Pete
• "Blue Dog" Democrats opposed to health-care reform are referred to by as "brain dead"

stupidity
• Occidental College is offering a course in

swine flu
• two million Americans could be hospitalized this winter because of — or they could not be, who knows?

Terry, Randall
• macabre antiabortion protest by features the stabbing of baby dolls

texting while driving
• graphic film demonstrating the consequences of should be mandatory viewing for any morons who engage in

Today
• reporter for tells story about New Jersey floods while paddling a canoe in 1-ft.-deep water

Vadum, Matthew
• exposé by of Obama's plan to "desecrate 9/11" by turning the day into a "National Day of Service that helps the left" instead of keeping it just the way it is, thank you very much, as "a 'day of fear' that helps Republicans"

waterboarding
• description of in CIA report as "poignant"

The Who
• new musical about aging baby-boomer generation — Floss — is forthcoming from