This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Evan Sisley / REUTERS

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay will be among the cast of 16 celebrities in this season's Dancing with the Stars.

Atkinson, Kristen
annoyance of after article by claiming that Obama's mother-in-law is practicing witchcraft in the White House is made fun of
•article by is removed from Website that initially saw fit to post it

Bachmann, Rep. Michele
•declaration by that "under no certain circumstances will I give the government control over my body and my health care decisions" is kind of funny coming from a rabid anti-choicer
presidential race will not be undertaken by unless call to run comes from God

Baucus, Sen. Max
•observation by that protesters at health care conference came "with YouTubes"

The Beatles
•Mikal Gilmore's definitive story about the break-up of

belief in is akin to believing in Santa Claus

•desperation of is evidenced by cringe-worthy new segment called, "Just Sayin'"

DeLay, Tom
fabulous story is told by about how protesters at town hall meetings are nothing new — "This has been going on forever. When I did my town hall meetings, I'll never forget one back in the '80s — on health care, by the way. They brought in quadriplegics on gurneys and dumped them on the floor in front of my podium" — except, sadly, the tale seems not to be, you know, true
•giggle-inducing demand by to see Obama's "gift certificate"
terpsichorean talents of are to be televised

Dylan, Bob
•New Jersey cop fails to recognize, leading to one headline after another after another after another after another containing the phrase "complete unknown"

Edwards, John
mistress of, with child of, is moving into the neighborhood of, to the dismay of wife of, who nonetheless insists to Larry King that "everything seems to be going pretty smoothly at my house" and even smiles through the ghoulish host's questions about her cancer ("You're stage four, though, right?")

Ensign, Sen. John
•explanation by that illicit affair of wasn't as bad as Bill Clinton's dalliance with Monica Lewinsky because Clinton "committed perjury" while "I haven't done anything legally wrong"

Family Guy
unusual Emmy campaign is launched by

Fox News
shocking discovery about Republicans' opinion of
skewering by Jon Stewart of

Frank, Barney
•LaRouchian fool is not suffered gladly by, and then the next morning Fox News doofus Steve Doocy fails to note that the protester was making Obama-Hitler comparisons and complains about the "downright rude[ness]" of

Grey's Anatomy
bad behavior from yet another cast member of

Grubman, Lizzie
•claim by that roman à clef by former employee of — which features a drunken or drugged publicist angrily backing her car into a crowd outside a nightclub — "isn't about me"

Hatch, Richard
persecution complex of

Heaton, Patricia
mathematical prowess of

Hewitt, Don
worshipful obituary of

Jackson, Michael
scheduled birthday burial of is postponed by horrific father of

Leibovitz, Annie
"tough times" of

Lockerbie bomber
inexplicable compassionate release of

Mad Men
underpublicized commencement of third season of

Madoff, Bernard
mistress of reveals — "This man was not well-endowed" — that penis of is "very small"

Megan Wants a Millionaire
•contestant on is charged with murdering his wife and stuffing her mutilated body in a suitcase

Novak, Robert
not-so-worshipful obituary — the headline has the word "pugnacious" — of

Obama, President Barack
•a dozen people show up at Phoenix event of brandishing guns — including someone who says he's carrying a semi-automatic assault rifle "because I can do it. In Arizona, I still have some freedoms" — and the Secret Service just shrugs
•report on bipolarity of

Pilger, Pam
"Heil Hitler!" is yelled by at a supporter of health care reform who reacts badly because he's an Israeli Jew

Piven, Jeremy
fishlessness of

public option
•finally, a simple explanation of
77 percent of the public is in favor of, as long as they're asked about it in a way that makes clear that "option" means there's a "choice" involved

Rasmussen Reports
•poll conducted by is headlined, "39% Blame Obama Policies for Bad Economy," though the bigger story would seem to be that a rather larger number — 55% — blame Bush

Ridge, Tom
•admission by — now that there's a book to sell — that Bush's raising the security alert just before the 2004 election was politically motivated

Scalia, Justice Antonin
actual innocence of a convicted defendant is not seen by as grounds for overturning a death sentence

Semenya, Caster
•results of gender test taken by won't be known for weeks, but surely there's a faster way to find out

Spector, Phil
• prison life seems not to agree with

Trump, Donald
twaddle from

shocking discovery about
twaddle about

• chairmen of acknowledge suckiness of movies made by

Washington Mutual
• woman's house is mistakenly auctioned off by

Whole Foods
stockholders of can't be happy with the CEO of, because who wants to find their company in the same sentence with the word "boycott"

Wurzelbacher, Samuel "Joe the Plumber"
appearance of at right-wing blogger conference features boast by that Nancy Pelosi is the kind of person "I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin' tar out of"

Zucker, Jeff
lack of vision of is noted