This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Brooks Kraft / Corbis for TIME

Former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Bachmann, Rep. Michele
• heartening addition of to list of most vulnerable Republican incumbents

Blackburn, Rep. Marsha
• virtue of balanced budget legislation is overenthusiastically — "We're not going to cry 'emergency' every time we have a Katrina" — extolled by

Brown, Chris
• forgiveness for beating up Rihanna is publicly "axed" for by

Bush, George W.
• all the gory details of the end of a beautiful friendship between Dick Cheney and
falling rates of teen pregnancies and STDs were sharply reversed during White House years of, so maybe obsessively preaching abstinence at the expense of educating kids about contraception wasn't such a hot idea
2006 embrace by was sidestepped by Bono, to the delight of then Senator Obama, who said, "Nice work with the hug dodge," a sentence that had probably never before been uttered in the history of humanity

Campbell, Rep. John
• asinine bill that would require a presidential candidate to provide a copy of his or her original birth certificate is proposed by

Castle, Rep. Mike
• town hall meeting held by is interrupted by lunatic shrieking, "I want my country back!"

Cavuto, Neil
overweightness of Dr. Regina Benjamin — "The President's pick for Surgeon General is fat" — is deemed a discussion-worthy topic on Fox News by, and then a moron wearing a "No Chubbies" T-shirt comes on and says she's "obese" because she's "lazy" and makes "poor food choices"

Cheney, Liz
• increasing difficulty of in accepting that — ha ha! — father of is no longer in power and — ha ha ha ha! — Barack Obama is

Cronkite, Walter
death of leads to CBS decision to stop using the voice of to introduce the CBS Evening News
• decision to stop using voice of to introduce the CBS Evening News is reversed because, according to a CBS spokesman, "His presence is always felt here ... nobody wants to let him go," which begs the question of why, in 1981, during the absolute prime of, Dan Rather was forced down America's throats as the twitchy replacement for
replacement of by Jon Stewart as America's most trusted newscaster
• 2002 opinion about the Bush Doctrine — "I think it is about as dangerous a foreign policy as a nation could adopt" — was unfortunately kept to self by

Dobbs, Lou
becoming by of a national laughingstock (and a humiliating embarrassment to CNN) — thanks to the obsession of with the thoroughly debunked "birther" conspiracy theory that Obama was actually born in Kenya and is therefore an "illegal" president — provokes Agnewesque attack by on "limp-minded, lily-livered lefties"

Foxx, Rep. Virginia
• giggle-inducing declaration — "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you" — is made by

Frago, Gary
racist e-mails are forwarded by, but it's no big deal because "I'm not the only one that does it. I didn't originate them, they came to me and I just passed them on"

Gates, Henry Louis
arrest of for breaking into own house while being black
Obama says "the Cambridge police acted stupidly" by arresting, and when they voice their hurt feelings, he doesn't offer a knee-jerk apology like almost every politician does whenever anyone objects to almost anything, but instead says he's "surprised by the controversy surrounding my statement because I think it was a pretty straightforward commentary that you probably don't need to handcuff a guy, a middle-aged man who uses a cane, who's in his own home"

Liddy, G. Gordon
appearance of on Hardball would be sad but for the lifelong awfulness of

Madoff, Bernard
• distress of at unkempt coiffure of

McCourt, Frank
death of

McKalip, David
• photoshopped image of Obama as a witch doctor with a bone through his nose is forwarded to fellow Tea Party loons by with the note, "Funny stuff"

Miller, Zell
• suggestion by that, in order to stop "our globe-trotting president" from "gallivanting all around" so damn much, "Rahm Emanuel ought to get some Gorilla Glue and put it in that chair in the Oval Office"

the moon
• 40th anniversary of men walking around on

movie studios
• unhappiness of that the Internet facilitates the instant spreading of bad word of mouth about the lousy films made by

The Onion
purchase of by Chinese conglomerate is reported by editor of

Palin, just-plain-old-ordinary-citizen-after-Sunday Sarah
• editor at Vanity Fair turns resignation speech of into actual English
formation of slush fund by may have violated ethics laws
hairdresser of suddenly starts tweeting about how full of lies the New York Times story about was — especially the part about the thinning hair of — a week after e-mailing the writer, "Thank you so much for the article!! It was perfect!"
less politically correct tweets are promised by
• one last look at how nothing is ever the fault of

Prejean, Carrie
imminence of book "by" — it's called Still Standing, and it's dropping in four months — is elatedly announced

Sanford, Gov. Mark
own funeral is claimed to have been attended by

Steele, Michael
• significance of basic terminology connected with the health care debate — only the major legislative issue to come before Congress this year — is not comprehended by — "What do you mean by an individual requirement?" — and position is still not taken by even after it's explained to
• sons of were told by, during years that health insurance was lacked by, "Don't break anything, because Daddy can't afford to fix it"

Tiahrt, Rep. Todd
• speculation by that Obama's mother might have aborted him if the government paid for abortions in 1961 is posted on official Web site of House Republicans

Winehouse, Amy
plan of to launch perfume inspired by prompts skeptical observation that "she doesn't look like she smells that nice, so doing some positive publicity to prove it doesn't just smell of stale booze and fags would be vital"