This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Robert DeBerry / The Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman / AP

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announces on July 3, 2009, that she will step down

Borowitz, Andy
• new iPhone app translating Palinese into English is reported by
post-Jackson lives of people with no lives are pondered by

Buffett, Warren
• economic stimulus package is compared by to "half a tablet of Viagra"

Ensign, Sen. John
• God was repeatedly invoked in 2008 break-up letter to mistress from, after the writing of which said mistress was continually pursued by
God's response to is imagined by Vanity Fair writer Nell Scovell
parents of gave family of mistress of $96,000 — not, mind you, as any kind of hush money, but rather, according to statement by lawyer for, because the "gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family"

food stamps
• use of by record 33.8 million people

• tourists from are rated the world's worst

Isabelle Jackson Elementary
• fifth grade students at are surprised — "Dad, is that Ms. Defanti?" — when souvenir DVD supposedly containing school-year memories turns out to show teacher at engaging in sex

Jackson, Michael
brainlessness of
• columnists Bob Herbert and Gail Collins weigh in on
• crowd at Staples Center memorial service for is astonished by resurrection of ... oh, never mind, that was just that insufferable jerk Corey Feldman dressed up like

Jackson, Victoria
• President Obama is compared to Hitler in incoherent rant by

Johnston, Levi
book is being shopped around by about, you know, them

Kilmeade, Brian
• cause of impurity of American genes is cretinously posited — "We keep marrying other species and other ethnics" — by

Klein, Allen
• life of is summed up in unenviable obituary headline

Klein, Arnold
paternity of Michael Jackson's children is conditionally denied by
question after question goes unasked to by pathetic interviewer Larry King
subpoena for Michael Jackson's medical records is served on

Love, Courtney
• claims of to "have not taken drugs in five and a half years" are thrown into doubt after dirty needles are found in hotel room trashed by

McCain, Sen. John
• continued refusal of to get down on all fours and beg Americans to forgive him for inflicting Sarah Palin on them

McNair, Steve
murder of by instantly suicidal girlfriend of

McNamara, Robert S.
• life of is summed up in unenviable obituary headline

Murdoch, Rupert
phone-hacking scandal involving newspapers owned by

Obama, President Barack
election of is absurdly credited to Michael Jackson by Rev. Al Sharpton
Politico mocks freakish insistence of on pronouncing names of people and nations correctly
Putin is met by without subsequent claim to have been able to look him in the eye and "get a sense of his soul"
Rahm Emanuel's implication that the White House is willing to cave on the public health care option is sort of disputed by while also being sort of confirmed by
Vice President Biden's gaffe — that is, his accidental blurt of truth — that "we misread how bad the economy was" is disputed by, as is subsequent Biden blurt that the U.S. gave Israel carte blanche to attack Iran
• White House press release misspells name of

Palin, soon-to-be-ex-Gov. Sarah
ability of to spout incomprehensible babble is undiminished by decision of to quit in a huff
• Anderson Cooper isn't buying the inane excuses of the spokeswoman for
angry tweets of
• David Letterman is still making fun of
• eagerness of to get back to "slaying salmon"
efforts of to make people stop saying bad things about or they are going to get so sued by
excuse offered by for quitting is — as is so much of what passes the lips of — of questionable veracity
• explanation by that, as President, unfair ethical allegations against would be dealt with by the (nonexistent) "Department of Law"
• Fox News contributor is unimpressed — "the woman is inarticulate, undereducated ... She just begs for adjectives like flaky and wacky ... (she) has no credentials for any job" — by
self-pitying Facebook page of
• Shannyn Moore says "Bring it on!" to
"whining" about unfavorable media coverage used to "bother"
• wondering by author of this index if presenting enough unflattering material about, like this and this and this and this, and this, will prompt the threat of a lawsuit by

Rowe, Debbie
disenchantment with paparazzi of

Shay, Audra
racist Facebook comments prompt "lol" reaction from, hopefully imperiling candidacy of for chairmanship of Young Republicans

Valley Swim Club
black kids are told — in 2009, in a country with a half-black President — that they can't swim at