This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Kevin Mazur / AEG / Getty

Pop star Michael Jackson rehearsing at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for his London shows

Bay, Michael
utter lack of talent of is richly rewarded

Boehner, Rep. John
• climate change bill is described as "this pile of sh-t" by

Boone, Pat
urgent need of to see President Obama's birth certificate

Borowitz, Andy
• fantasy of that Bernie Madoff would wind up sharing a cell with O.J. Simpson, who would help him "search for the real swindlers"

Franken, Sen. Al
grumpiness of Fox News folks about the election of because not a single vote they're going to be happy with is likely ever to be cast by

U.S. combat troops are removed from without the U.S. president making a fool of himself by wearing a stupid costume under a moronically ill-advised sign

Jackson, Rep. Jesse, Jr.
• God is thanked by for "letting all of us live in [Michael Jackson's] generation and in his era"

Jackson, Joe
• death of son of provides perfect opportunity for plugging new record company established by

Jackson, Michael
• so much stuff about: go here to see what Lisa Marie Presley has to say, or here to see the will, or here for a thorough rehash of the child molestation trial, or just totally wallow in all of it here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, and if that's not enough you can relive the entire week almost minute by minute here, or even read some smart pieces here, and here, or see the front pages of newspapers all over the planet, or don't read a single word of any of it because you're so sick to death of this story already that you think your head is going to explode and you can't quite accept yet that you're going to be hearing about it for the rest of your life

Jon & Kate Plus 8
•total overness of, like anyone is going to spend a nanosecond thinking about these hideous nobodies now that Michael Jackson's dead

Limbaugh, Rush
•meaningless fact that Michael Jackson "died during the era of the first black president" is hammered away at by as if it proved anything other than the utter cretinousness of

Lombard, Frank
•arrest of after sex with the adopted five-year-old son of is offered by on the Internet to an undercover cop

Madoff, Bernard
• absolute certainty of death in prison of

Madoff, Ruth
severe decline in fortunes of

McCain, Meghan
desire of to be played by Hilary Duff in a movie — not that a movie about is currently being planned, since really not all that much has been done by — or, if Duff isn't available or interested, by "anyone who's blond"

• final script turned in for by the director of (Steven Soderbergh) results in the studio pulling the plug on

Musselwhite, Mark
public intoxication of while being totally naked

Nighy, Bill
• finally, the casting of in the Harry Potter series, as Rufus Scrimgeour

Oklahoma Legislature
• resolution is drafted by nutty member of — Sally Kern, a self-described "Kernservative" — blaming the economic crisis on "abortion, pornography, same sex marriage" and lots of other such immoralities that President Obama just adores

Pagano, Ken
• parishioners of are invited by to bring their guns to church

Palin, Gov. Sarah
American flag is repeatedly dissed by
•mocking Photoshopped image of provokes easily ignited fury of, which — as anyone with the slightest comprehension of human nature could have predicted — provokes a slew of even more viciously mocking Photoshopped images of
secret bleeding of
Vanity Fair profile of will delight non-fans of

Reaper, Grim
• continuing insatiability of for celebrity blood claims Karl Malden,
• and Harve Presnell,
• and Fred Travelena,
• and Billy Mays,
• and Gale Storm,
• and Sky Saxon, whose band The Seeds, had the great song "Pushin' Too Hard"

Obama's abandoning his futile attempts at bipartisanship with prompt chutzpah-infused complaints by

Rivera, Geraldo
murder of child molester who received a too-lenient sentence is encouraged — "I can only tell you, ladies and gentleman, that I will not weep if... David Earls is found sometime on a country road" — by

Sanford, Gov. Mark
• professed efforts of to fall back in love with wife of seem doomed, since mistress of is still believed by to be the "soul mate" of, and it turns out the guard of was let down by with plenty of other women (though the technical "sex line" was not crossed with them by, only with the mistress of) and if all that wasn't bad enough, contract for book by is canceled by publisher

Scheuer, Michael
• opinion is offered by that "the only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States," to which host Glenn Beck responds with "Michael Scheuer, as always, sir, thank you very much" rather than the more appropriate "You, sir, are a madman who looks like a werewolf"

• desperately unhappy people are hilariously appealed to by

folding of after 16 years and before a Michael Jackson tribute issue could be assigned by the editors of

Washington Post
• plan of to hold "salons" at which access to government and media figures could be sold to lobbyists for big bucks is embarrassingly abandoned by

Wurzelbacher, Samuel "Joe the Plumber"
curiosity of about why Sen. Chris Dodd hasn't yet "been strung up"
• proud and profound ignorance of, in this case a bold declaration that the Founding Fathers "knew socialism doesn't work. They knew communism doesn't work," though in fact neither system had yet been invented when the Founding Fathers were alive and knowing things
• public office will not be run for by, at least not now, because, "You know, I talked to God about that and He was like, 'No.'"