This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Steve Manuel / Reuters

Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report" performs for U.S. military personnel at Al Faw Palace in Baghdad, Iraq.

American Life League
•warnings by that you could die from using birth control pills

loathing of iPhone users for

•utter lack of knowledge about — "I don't know anything about cars" — of incoming General Motors chairman

Beck, Glenn
•horrific dolphin impression of

Burkle, Ron
salacious details about

Bush, George H. W.
bikini-clad young woman plops in lap of, after which speedo-sporting young man sidles up to wife of

Cheney, Dick
•catalogue of damage done by

Cheney, Liz
•opinion of that Obama's refusal to go to other countries and declare that "America is the best nation that ever existed in history, and clearly that exists today" — in other words, to travel the world thumbing his nose at other people and telling them they suck compared to us — is "troubling to Americans," or at least to this one American

•ridiculous ubiquity of

Colbert, Stephen
•self is debated by about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

•problematic burps of

Department of Homeland Security
prescience of in predicting right-wing violence is followed by failure of to actually release the report containing said predictions because, boo-hoo, some right-wing groups didn't like it

•right-wing extremism report of is mocked by right-wing extremist group

Doherty, Pete
•arrest of after being found slumped on a toilet on a British Airways flight on which a hypodermic needle was also found, followed by arrest of for driving erratically in a car in which drugs were found, puts in perspective recent claims by of being "mostly clean"

Dowd, Maureen
•defense of Obama's leisure activities by in a column that also contains a devastating one-sentence summation of Bush's ignorance, arrogance and incompetence gets Karl Rove's dander up

Gosselin, Mady
•complaint of thirst to mother of results in stunning spectacle of said mother procuring a bottle of water, drinking some herself, and recapping the bottle without offering any to

•daughter's gift of new one to mother in Tel Aviv is unhappy surprise, as discarded old one contained life savings of nearly $1 million

Murray, Daniel James
•arrest of after closing out bank account and announcing to teller, "We are on a mission to kill the President of the United States"

National Review
•Sotomayor is depicted on cover of as — because to these morons anyone non-white is interchangeably other — an Asian-eyed Buddha

New York Times
The Daily Show pays a hilarious visit to

The Onion
•J.D. Salinger's obsession with Terminator films is reported by

Palin, Sarah
•citing of by less than 0.5% of Gallup poll respondents to question of who speaks for the Republican Party, which translates to four at most out of 1,015

•David Letterman is attacked by for admittedly tasteless joke about daughter of after being attacked by for referring to the "slutty flight attendant look" of

•slutty flight attendant toenails of

Prejean, Carrie
•sudden former Miss Californianess of

Sotomayor, Sonia
•"racist" labeling of by Gingrich is amended — the proper epithet for is "racialist"

•self-imposed hobbling of

Spector, Phil
wall of scalp of

Summers, Larry
•popularity — oh, no, sorry — extreme unpopularity of

Supreme Court
refusal of to be asked or told about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

•millions of households — but mainly ones with poor, elderly or handicapped people living in them, so sponsors won't care that much — will suddenly not be able to watch

von Brunn, James W.
•first six chapters of book by reveal antipathy toward Jews of

•Holocaust Museum murder — oops, sorry, alleged murder — by is condemned by fellow white supremacist because "it makes us look bad"

Weller, Robert J.
•racist e-mails are sent out by, and really, don't get all piously P.C. about it because "I didn't do anything other than what everybody else in the world does. The president of the school board is no more holy than a minister, and a minister probably sends a lot more stuff than I do. These are just jokes"

Wright, Jeremiah
•falling out with Obama of is blamed by on "them Jews"